Mishi's Musings

Becoming

2012-01-29T12:49:00.000-08:00

I heard a quote at church today that I really liked.

“Do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, but pray for abilities equal to your tasks. Then the performance of your tasks will be no miracle, but you will be the miracle.” - President Thomas S. Monson

The quote really hit home to me right now. And really, I think it probably applies to most any stage of life that we are in.

Currently for me, there are days when I feel overwhelmed by my current life situation. Days when living in a foreign country, with two boys 3 and under, without a car, without family nearby, without many friends, and while 7 months pregnant, just feels plain overwhelming and hard. There are moments when I am pushing my boys up a hill in the rain and my body aches and I'm moving at a snail's pace and I just want to give up because I feel like it is too hard. Moments when I know that, although it would be nice to have a friend show up and offer us a lift "just then," I know it won't happen. I'll admit that there are many times I absolutely LONG for America. A land where I understand the medical system. A land where I have family and friends and a car and an American-sized fridge! I tell myself that life would be so much easier with a car or with this or with that. But right now that is not my life. And those things are not an option.

I love the idea of praying for "abilities equal to your tasks." I've heard this idea presented in other ways as well. The whole idea that instead of trying to change our circumstances all of the time (because quite frankly some things in life can't be changed, no matter how much we want them to), we work on changing ourselves. And this quote is even more poignant because it talks about changing ourselves with the aid of prayer.

One of my friends from Texas wrote the following quote on her blog a few weeks ago: Elder Richard L. Evans wrote, “It is not the usual purpose of prayer to serve us like Aladdin’s lamp, to bring us ease without effort. Prayer is not a matter of asking only. It should not be always as the beggar’s upturned hand. Often the purpose of prayer is to give us strength to do what needs to be done, wisdom to see the way to solve our problems, and ability to do our best in our tasks."

I feel that these two quotes really go hand in hand. We all will have times in our life when we will WISH for instant relief from suffering or instant solutions to problems. But life doesn't always work that way. There are some experiences that we simply have to face head on. And oh, how much easier it is to face those difficulties WITH the Lord. He wants us to succeed! And, as the poem I referenced in an old post says, "My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me...Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I, in foolish pride, forget He sees the upper, and I the under side. Not til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly, shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why. The dark threads are as needful in the weaver's skillfull hand, as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."

Everything that we experience is making us who we will become. But it is up to us how we will let our experiences shape us.

Snapshots and Differences

2012-01-19T14:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've REALLY written on this blog. I've made a few comments here and there, but I haven't really felt motivated to write much. I've been going through some struggles the past year and I guess I haven't really felt like writing about anything.

But lately I have been thinking about something that I'd like to put into words.

I've been thinking about change. I guess I write a lot about change on here. I guess you could say that one of my mantras is "the only thing constant in life is change."

Lately what I have been thinking about is how quickly life changes, even though it feels like it often feels like it is going to be the same forever. And not just that it changes quickly, but that it can change quite drastically. I've been thinking about my life and the changes that have happened between where I am now and where I was even 4 years ago. And the 4 years before that.

Eight years ago, in early 2004, I was 21 and finishing up the last year of my bachelors degree studies as part of the "infamous" Junior Core of the Accounting Program at BYU in Provo, Utah. I had applied (or was about to apply) to the integrated Master program and planning on staying in school for two more years to complete it. I planned on earning a minor degree in Information System and had this plan in mind to work for small companies, designing their Accounting Information Systems. Funny enough I had no desire to work in public accounting and absolutely no desire to work for one of the big four global accounting firms. I wasn't dating anyone and had actually had a really rough school year when it came to dating, probably my worst since I started dating at 16! I was really lonely in my current apartment, even though it was a killer set up and ended up deciding to move in with an old high school friend that spring to a cramped and more expensive apartment that didn't have a washer and dryer (I'd always managed to find nice condos with washer and dryers included). I was working at the BYU library (had been for nearly 3 years at that point) as an accounting clerk making less than $10 an hour, but feeling well paid. I was supporting myself and living comfortably, if on a student budget. I didn't own a car and walked everywhere.

Four years ago, in early 2008, I was 25 and working at the large, global accounting firm Ernst & Young, LLP, on the fast track to becoming a tax manager in the Austin, Texas office. I took business trips to Chicago and was studying to earn my CPA license, which I later received. I was working long days, billing 70-80 hours each week. I was learning a lot and loving the challenge and feedback. I was serving as a counselor in the Relief Society Presidency in my ward and I was pregnant with my first child, having what I thought at the time was a pretty typical pregnancy. Jeff and I owned our first home, which was only a few years old and was situated on a large lot, in a quiet culd-e-sac, backing a greenbelt. Our house was around 2,200 square feet, not counting the two car garage. It had 2 1/2 bathrooms, three bedrooms (one of which was a ridiculously massive master bedroom suite), a dining room, kitchen, pantry, living room, and an office. And that was just for the two of us! Well, the 2.3 of us! We lived comfortably and made a really good and comfortable income between the two of us. In may ways, we were living the "American dream" and it kind of felt like everything was in place to just keep going up and up and building on the foundation we had. Jeff was working on his PhD (or maybe it was still his Master degree at that point) and we were both working toward our future careers and padding our resumes. We were car owners, but decided to make do with one car since we both worked downtown.

As I think back to those "snapshots" in my life, I remember feeling like the daily grind and the experiences I was going through were somewhat permanent. I knew life would change, but it was hard to really see beyond where I was in my life at that moment. Also, in both instances, I had certain plans and expectations about how life would be in the future. I knew I didn't really know a lot about specifics, but there were certain things I was planning for.

But life isn't stagnant. We pass through phases and enter new ones. The years pass by. We age. And, there are choices that we make in life. Choices that can cause us to go down a different path than the one we seem to be on. There are also outside influences that can unexpectedly alter the plans we have made for ourselves. Over the past four years, I have experienced both of these things and I know that life will continue to change, even when it the cycle of my days sometimes feels so permanent.

Currently, in 2012, I am 29 and live just outside of London in the United Kingdom. I am a mother to two little boys and am 6 months pregnant with my 3rd baby. My pregnancies are not and never will be "normal" thanks to complications from my first pregnancy. I've been married for just over 6 years to my husband, Jeff, who I have no known for nearly 8 years. I no longer work for a paycheck and only loosely use my accounting skills to do our yearly taxes, answer friends' questions, and do our personal budget. We live in a rented semi-detached house that is around 800 square feet in size. We don't have an office or a dining room or a pantry or a lot of other things we used to have. We don't have a car. We don't have a dryer and I hang our washing on the line or on a drying rack inside. We sold a good chunk of our possessions when we moved here and have already used most of the equity from our house as part of the international move. We live comfortably (but perhaps only because my definition of that word has changed) and money is tighter than ever before, though we get on fine. Jeff is continuing his work toward his future career and mine is "on hold" as I have made certain sacrifices to take a "career change" to raise our children.

As I think about and look over these snapshots of the present and the past, I can't help but think how drastically different my life is in each situation, especially now. Sometimes it's mind boggling to think just how incredibly different my current life situation is to where I was only four years ago. Back then I wore heels and fancy clothing. I talked to CFO's and controllers about their companies. Now I wear jeans and tennis shoes and chat with other mums about their child's sleep patterns. Back then I lived in a spacious, almost luxurious setting when compared to my current home. Now I live in much more "modest" circumstances. Back then, my time was "my own," even when I was working long hours. Now, as a mother, my time is always on reserve. Back then I took for granted the fact that I lived in America. I never expected to leave. Now I've been able to see and do things I never imagined and my perspective has been forever altered by experiences I have had living here.

As I look back over these snapshots, I can't help but realize that the girl experiencing each of those "lives" is not the same, at least not completely. My life experiences have changed me. But at the same time, the girl in each of those situations are also all...ME.

And do you know what? I kind of find it exhilarating that I have been able to experience so many drastically different things and life situations. In some ways, it may seem depressing to see changes that have occurred over the years and paths that have been diverted, but I actually feel grateful to be along for the ride. Life is a testing ground, a hands on experience at learning. I don't know if anyone ends up where they expected to when they set out. And, as I mentioned before, even though phases or situations might feel permanent, they never really are. Life is constantly changing in good ways and in sometimes difficult ways.

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” - Orson F. Whitney, quoted by Spencer W. Kimball, in Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 98

That quote focuses on hard times, but even the good experiences we have change us and make us who we will become. Life is not stagnant, it is ever changing. We are ALL moving through life - changing, growing, learning, and becoming. Nothing is permanent.

I Love This

2011-10-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

I just got home from a great Stake Conference. The Stake President gave a great talk and one of my favourite parts was a quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley that I've heard before. I definitely think it's worth repeating and speaks for itself. It's definitely something I've seen around me a lot and even within myself that I'd like to work on. Sometimes I'm really good at it and sometimes I'm not. I think it's always a good reminder. I think President Gordon B. Hinckley and his wife were amazing examples of this:

"I try to read newspapers, two or three a day. I sometimes read the columnists. I occasionally listen to commentators on television and radio. The writers are brilliant. They are men of incisive language, scintillating in expression. They are masters of the written word. But for the most part I find their attitude is negative. Regardless of whom they write about, they seem to look for failings and weaknesses. They are constantly criticizing, seldom praising.

And this spirit is not limited to the columnists and the commentators. Read the letters to the editor. Some of them are filled with venom, written by persons who seem to find no good in the world or in their associates. Criticism, faultfinding, evil speaking—these are of the spirit of our day. From many directions we are told that nowhere is there a man of integrity holding political office. Businessmen are crooks. Utilities are out to rob you. Everywhere is heard the snide remark, the sarcastic gibe, the cutting down of associates. Sadly, these are too often the essence of our conversation. In our homes, wives weep and children finally give up under the barrage of criticism leveled by husbands and fathers. Criticism is the forerunner of divorce, the cultivator of rebellion, sometimes a catalyst that leads to failure. In the Church it sows the seed of inactivity and finally apostasy.

I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we 'accentuate the positive.' I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his course.

What I am suggesting is that each of us turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my father would say: 'Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve.' "

What Have I Done for Someone Today?

2011-10-27T15:06:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I was blog hopping before bed and I came across a post by a woman I don't know who started "A kindness a day project" in May of this year. Here is what she said about it:

"So, this is how it’s going to work. I’m going to do something nice for someone (friend, family, neighbor or complete stranger—doesn’t matter who) every day for a month. It doesn’t need to be something big. It can be as simple as making a conscientious effort to smile at someone, holding the door open for someone or just making one of my kids their favorite dinner one night. We don’t have millions of extra dollars laying around our house, so I’m going to make an effort to not necessarily have money play a big part in this—although it may play a little part."

As I read through her post and also some of the later posts that talked about what she had done each day, I was really inspired by the idea of actively making sure that you do something for someone. If I remember correctly, one of the things she did one day was even as simple as spending a little extra time with a child that wanted her attention.

The past few months have been very emotional and difficult for me for many reasons. I think it is normal to have ups and downs in life - to have times when life is smooth sailing, and times when life is a bit more rocky. But I do think that, in my experience, the best way to help myself see the "light" when I am struggling, is to think of others. In fact, it is the generally the only way.

Tonight I have also been listening to various Conference Talks as I have been copying posts from my family blog for our records. Two talks in particular really struck my fancy. The first is by Elder Uchtdorf, entitled "Two Principles for any Economy." He talked about the importance of work and told a story about his family struggling to get their feet back on the ground in post war Germany. He said, "It wasn’t easy, but the work kept us from dwelling too much on the difficulties of our circumstances. Although our situation didn’t change overnight, it did change. That’s the thing about work. If we simply keep at it—steady and constant—things certainly will improve."

He further continued, "Work is an antidote for anxiety, an ointment for sorrow, and a doorway to possibility....When our wagon gets stuck in the mud, God is much more likely to assist the man who gets out to push than the man who merely raises his voice in prayer—no matter how eloquent the oration. President Thomas S. Monson put it this way: 'It is not enough to want to make the effort and to say we’ll make the effort. … It’s in the doing, not just the thinking, that we accomplish our goals. If we constantly put our goals off, we will never see them fulfilled.' "

The other talk I was listening to that really prompted this post was by President Thomas S. Monson and is entitled, "What Have I Done for Someone Today?" He starts by telling a story about a man whose father used to ask his family around the dinner table each day to relate what they had done for someone that day. He says of the man, "Dr. McConnell calls this exercise his father’s most valuable legacy, for that expectation and those words inspired him and his siblings to help others throughout their lives. As they grew and matured, their motivation for providing service changed to an inner desire to help others."

President Monson goes on to say, "The Savior taught His disciples, 'For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.' I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives."

He adds, "...President David O. McKay made this statement: 'Man’s greatest happiness comes from losing himself for the good of others.' Often we live side by side but do not communicate heart to heart. There are those within the sphere of our own influence who, with outstretched hands, cry out, “Is there no balm in Gilead?”

I am confident it is the intention of each member of the Church to serve and to help those in need. At baptism we covenanted to “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light.” How many times has your heart been touched as you have witnessed the need of another? How often have you intended to be the one to help? And yet how often has day-to-day living interfered and you’ve left it for others to help, feeling that “oh, surely someone will take care of that need.”

We become so caught up in the busyness of our lives. Were we to step back, however, and take a good look at what we’re doing, we may find that we have immersed ourselves in the “thick of thin things.” In other words, too often we spend most of our time taking care of the things which do not really matter much at all in the grand scheme of things, neglecting those more important causes.

Many years ago I heard a poem which has stayed with me, by which I have tried to guide my life. It’s one of my favorites:I have wept in the night
For the shortness of sight
That to somebody’s need made me blind;
But I never have yet
Felt a tinge of regret
For being a little too kind."

Then President Monson started listing numerous acts of service that had been done and recorded by members of the Church to present to him as a birthday present. It's really a great talk and motivating to hear of the outpouring of love and Christlike service to others, even in simple ways. It's really all about taking the time to look a little outside of yourself and think of someone else. Some of my favorites included:

One small child wrote, “My grandpa had a stroke, and I held his hand.”
Another, “I played with a lonely kid.”
From a 4-year-old boy, no doubt written by a Primary teacher: “My dad is gone for army training for a few weeks. My special job is to give my mom hugs and kisses.”

Such simple acts of kindness, but at the same time, so meaningful to the individuals who both gave and received the service.

Hearing these two talks again reminded me of the blog post I read those months ago about the kindness a day project. When I first read it, I felt the desire to do something similar, but I kept putting it off, thinking I could wait until the beginning of a new month or wait for this or that until I had forgotten all about it. Well, it is almost the end of the month, but I'm not going to wait until November 1st. I want to begin tomorrow, no even today.

I truly do have a desire to be more Christlike and I truly do feel compassion for others. But as President Monson said, although it is often my intention to do things, I don't always follow through. I've been blessed to have many friends and family members in my life who have been great examples of service. Even as I was copying over my old blog posts this evening, I found a post about my friend, Anah, who made blue and pink cupcakes for me at a playdate the day I found out if baby #2 was going to be a boy or a girl. It was something so simple, but also so thoughtful. If she had thought of it, but not followed through, I never would have known. But she DID do it and it meant a lot to me. I also like the quote from President Monson that Elder Uchtdorf gave (above) about it being in the DOING, not just the THINKING that we accomplish our goals. And so I want to start now, in little ways.

In President Monson's talk, he also talked about countless Primaries that made it a goal in their primaries to do kindness for others. Since I am currently the Primary President in the ward and we have a new year coming, I wonder if I can incorporate this somehow. But for now, I'm going to start with working on ME.

I want to end this post by quoting some more from President Monson's talk:

"The words from the 25th chapter of Matthew come to mind: 'Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungered, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.'

My brothers and sisters, may we ask ourselves the question which greeted Dr. Jack McConnell and his brothers and sisters each evening at dinnertime: “What have I done for someone today?” May the words of a familiar hymn penetrate our very souls and find lodgment in our hearts:

Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed.
Has anyone’s burden been lighter today
Because I was willing to share?
Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?
When they needed my help was I there?

That service to which all of us have been called is the service of the Lord Jesus Christ. As He enlists us to His cause, He invites us to draw close to Him. He speaks to you and to me: 'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.' ''

A New Perspective

2011-08-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry this post is really random and terribly written. It's something I've been thinking about for a while, but can't articulate well.

Yesterday I saw this link on Facebook. Although the selected images are probably carefully selected and perhaps focus on extremes, I found the project very thought provoking.

Living in a foreign country has started to really open my eyes in regards to the concept of culture and the things we "assume" as normal or expected. Even though the UK is a developed country and not a 3rd world county, there are many MANY differences that have been shocking to me to discover, but totally normal for people here. In addition, through my travels around Europe, which have been rich in history (even prehistoric), I've started to view my life in a totally different light.

Being raised in America, I tend to focus on the ideal of the "American Dream" and all that it entails. I tend to think of myself as frugal, but as I've expanded my global view, my understanding of needs versus wants has changed dramatically. I think that the culture and lives that we experience right now in developed countries is, in many ways, drastically different from how people lived only a few hundred years ago. Viewing the link above, I can't help but think of the things we spend money on - the appearances we try to keep up through nicely matching accessories, decor, and table settings. Those things are nice and well, but I wonder if we realize just how luxurious they are.

Looking at some of the images in that link really hit home for me. They images portray children's bedrooms around the world. I couldn't help but think back to Nathan's nursery when I was preparing it for his arrival: The time I spent making modge-podged letters and wall hangings; the matching bedding and carefully selected paint colors. I also think of my children's rooms in our home now - even just the fact that they each have their OWN room, no matter how "small" it seems to my American standards.

Also, as I looked through the images, I couldn't help but think about the way those bedrooms portrayed the way each child would be molded and begin to see the world. It made me think a lot about the material blessings I have been blessed with. I always considered my family materially "poor" growing up, but the longer I live and the wider world view I gain, the more I see just how "rich" we were. First, I started to realize that we were truly blessed with "rich" relationships, but now I'm starting to also understand how "rich" we were materially.

It is so easy for me to forget the blessings I've been given and to take things for granted. It is so easy for me to focus on what I don't have and what I "think" I need. It's so easy to have expectations about comforts for the future. It's easy to think that I've "earned" certain things based on the things I have done in my life. But as the link I referenced reminded me, so much of who I am today is because of the opportunities and experiences I had placed before me.

I also can't help but think about the similarities that we all have throughout human history and also around the globe. My experiences here (both in a historical and worldwide sense) have helped me contemplate what unites us as a human family. I've started to try to tear down the walls of "culture" and try to ponder on what is at the core of each one of us. It's something I'm still thinking about and discovering, but it's definitely changing my perspective about a lot of things.

Thinking

2011-03-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking about how "normal" life is starting to feel.

When we first moved here, Brits were constantly asking me if we were "all settled." I was never sure how to truthfully answer them, so I just said, "yes." I was feeling like I was in the middle of a whirlwind filled with homesickness, excitement, hormones, sleepless nights, and of course adjustments to a 2nd baby and adjustments to a foreign and different standard of living.

I felt like I was always riding a wave of emotion. One moment I was in awe of the unique architecture and history surrounding me at all times. The next I felt overwhelmed by the differences and missing a sense of familiarity and belonging. Other times I was relishing the opportunity to visit places I had only ever dreamed about and then before I knew it, I was longing and aching for my past life and the comforts I took for granted.

But now, nearly 8 months later, I find that the giant wave has settled. The waves of change are starting to calm.

I no longer dwell on or think about the fact that we don't have a car. That's just how life is and we have our ways of making it work. I don't stress about running low on groceries without an easy way to get them. We just make it work. It no longer bothers me to find myself at home on a Saturday without a car. We just find other ways to get around, or we stay home. We just make it work. I don't think about not having a cell phone or a television or even closets. I don't think about the little "annoyances" like the faucet that sprays water with the strength of a fire hose because I now subconsciously react to it. I don't even think about the fact that we have to flip a switch on our outlets or that we have to lock our doors on the inside with a key. Taking two kids on public transport by myself is second nature and I don't even have to think twice about it. And I almost forgot to even mention the fact that we don't have a dryer (and no access to laundromats) because I'm so used to regularly doing laundry without one that I hardly think about it. The list could go on and on...

It's amazing what a little bit of time will do.

The longer I live (in my ripe 'ol 28 years), the more I find that I can find contentment, familiarity, and comfort in any situation I am in - eventually. Of course, the longer I live, the more I also recognize that change is constantly peeking around the corner and nothing lasts forever.

I don't know when the newest BIG wave will hit. It could be in a few months, it could be in a year. And I can't say that the ride will be easy because I'm definitely not to that point yet, but at least I know that eventually things will settle again for a time. And I know that the "ride" of change is made easier because of my faith in God and the times when I pause to recognize His hand in my life.

As I look to the uncertainties ahead in life, I can't help but think of a hymn written by Mary A. Baker:

Master, the tempest is raging!
The billows are tossing high!
The sky is o'ershadow with blackness,
No shelter or help is nigh;
Carest Thou not that we perish?
How canst Thou lie asleep,
When each moment so madly is threatening
A grave in the angry deep?

Refrain

The winds and the waves shall obey Thy will,
Peace, be still!
Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea,
Or demons or men, or whatever it be
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean, and earth, and skies;
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will,
Peace, be still! Peace, be still!
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will,
Peace, peace, be still!

Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today;
The depths of my sad heart are troubled
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o’er my sinking soul;
And I perish! I perish! dear Master
Oh, hasten, and take control.

Refrain

Master, the terror is over,
The elements sweetly rest;
Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored,
And heaven’s within my breast;
Linger, O blessèd Redeemer!
Leave me alone no more;
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor,
And rest on the blissful shore.

Refrain

No matter how crazy life becomes, no matter how difficult changes or situations feel, I know that "the Master of ocean, and earth, and skies" is not only in control, but He cares. And that gives me peace.

But for now, I'm enjoying the undoubtedly temporary, but relative calm.

Faith

2011-02-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

There are certain experiences in life that become defining moments. Moments that rock your world so much that you’re left a completely different person. But we are each left with the decision as to what sort of person we will become.

One such period of life for me was my health issues during my pregnancy with Nathan and the subsequent delivery and recovery.

Another has been our experiences relating to our move to the UK.

I don’t feel like I can pass by this period of time without writing a few of my thoughts. My experiences have strengthened my testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, as well as my belief in God and His plan for us. As we read in Proverbs 3: 5 – 6 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

A year ago, Jeff and I were living in Austin, Texas. Jeff was working hard to finish his PhD in August, we owned a large home, and I was pregnant with our second son, due in June. Although I had many friends and felt comfortable with our life, I always knew that we would move to wherever Jeff’s job would take us and had no problem imagining it could be anywhere - in America. We knew our summer would be busy, but hoped to have several months to adjust and recover to each life change. To get ready for life after graduation, Jeff started to apply to various positions for full-time work.

One of the positions that caught his eye was with the University of London’s Royal Veterinary College. Jeff’s advisor in Texas urged him to apply. Although we had never considered living abroad nor expected to, we decided that we had nothing to lose and so Jeff went ahead and applied. Jeff ended up being selected for an interview, but we still weren’t sure if it was something we would be interested in and knew that preferential treatment would be given to a member of the EU. Jeff was flown out in March and, obviously, the interview went well. We had less than a week to decide whether or not to accept the offer. During that time, we tried to find out everything we could about the cost of living, the culture, health care, transportation, living conditions, and life in general in the UK.

Ultimately, we came to an impasse. We could spin our wheels forever trying to LOGICALLY decide whether or not it was the correct choice for us. But we knew that logic could only take us so far. We turned to the Lord in prayer and put the matter into his hands. Both of us felt that for whatever reason, the UK was to be the next stop on our journey.

Still, there were many unknowns. How was it all going to work out? What about the baby? I had a very complicated pregnancy and recovery with my first son and I had fears and concerns about how my second pregnancy and delivery would go. I also wondered how our family would adjust to another child. What about our house? The U.S. housing market had crashed and we wondered if we would be able to sell it and how much we would be able to get from it. We knew the equity we had in our home would be crucial as we planned an expensive international move. What about graduation? The position started at the beginning of July and Jeff would have to work long hours and really push himself to get everything wrapped up in order to graduate several months earlier than planned. Any of these events on their own would be overwhelming. Why were we doing all of them together? What about our belongings? Where would we live? Would we be able to afford to live there? How long would the passports and visas take? How would it all work out with the birth of a new baby? The list went on and on…

In Ether 12:6, we are taught: “And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

We all have times in our lives (sometimes large, sometimes small) where we just can’t figure out on our own how something is going to work out or why.

Thomas S. Monson taught “… Faith precedes the miracle. It has ever been so and shall ever be. It was not raining when Noah was commanded to build an ark. Two Heavenly Personages were not yet seen when Joseph knelt and prayed. There was no visible ram in the thicket when Abraham prepared to sacrifice his son Isaac. First came the test of faith, and then the miracle.

Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. Cast out doubt. Cultivate faith. Strive always to retain that childlike faith which can move mountains and bring heaven closer to heart and home.”

We had no idea how things were going to work out. We didn’t know how long it would take to sell our house or even if we would. We didn’t know whether or not I would have major complications after the birth of our second son. We didn’t know what we were going to with our possessions. We didn’t know how we’d find the time and energy to prepare our house for the market and show it when we had to move the listing date up significantly and had so many other things going on. We didn’t know if our visa applications would go smoothly or how long it would take after Christopher’s birth to get his passport and visa. We didn’t know the details of God’s plan for us, but we knew the direction we should be heading.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “In faith we plant the seed, and soon we see the miracle of the blossoming. Men have often misunderstood and have reversed the process. They would have the harvest before the planting, the reward before the service, the miracle before the faith. … Many of us would have the vigor without the observance of the health laws, prosperity through the opened windows of heaven without the payment of our tithes. We would have the close communion with our Father without fasting and praying; we would have rain in due season and peace in the land without observing the Sabbath and keeping the other commandments of the Lord. We would pluck the rose before planting the roots; we would harvest the grain before its planting and cultivating.“

It’s much easier to have faith or confidence in something if we can see the end result, but that isn’t faith.

President Kimball adds, “The exercising of faith is a willingness to accept without total regular proof and to move forward and perform works. “Faith without works is dead” [James 2:26] and a dead faith will not lead one to move forward to adjust a life or to serve valiantly. A real faith pushes one forward to constructive and beneficial acts as though he knew in absoluteness.

“We pray for enlightenment, then go to with all our might and our books and our thoughts and righteousness to get the inspiration. We ask for judgment, then use all our powers to act wisely and develop wisdom. We pray for success in our work and then study hard and strive with all our might to help answer our prayers. When we pray for health we must live the laws of health and do all in our power to keep our bodies well and vigorous. We pray for protection and then take reasonable precaution to avoid danger. There must be works with faith.”

So once we felt the confirmation from the Spirit to accept our position here, we moved forward, taking a GIANT step into the dark. I can’t say that my faith was always unwavering or that my patience and trust was or is absolute at every moment. I can’t say that our journey over the year has been easy or smooth. But I know God was and is in the details.

Prior to interviewing with the RVC, Jeff and his professor decided to try to speed up his graduate work so that he could be done before our baby was born in June. We had no idea that finishing early would also be crucial to a new position. In addition, after several meetings with our real estate agents in anticipation of moving in the late summer, they felt it would be better to list the home earlier in the year and so we started working to get it ready to go to the market. All of this happened before we had even heard about the position he know holds. Even the timing of my pregnancy seemed perfect. Of course it made for a busy and stressful summer, but I can’t imagine what it would have been like if Christopher had been due a month or two later than he was or if he had been born several months earlier when there was so much to be done in preparation for our move.

In an article, titled, “The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing,” Richard G. Scott said, “Even if you exercise your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you. He loves you to a depth and completeness you cannot conceive of in your mortal state. Indeed, were you to know His entire plan, you would never ask for that which is contrary to it even though your feelings tempt you to do so. Sincere faith gives understanding and strength to accept the will of our Heavenly Father when it differs from our own. We can accept His will with peace and assurance, confident that His infinite wisdom surpasses our own ability to comprehend fully His plan as it unfolds a piece at a time.”

As we continued on this LONG, TIRING, EXHAUSTING journey, every step we took was into the dark. There were so many details to work out and we were constantly wondering how things would work out. But little by little, the path was illuminated. After hours of exhausting work, our home was placed on the market. Amazingly, (although it felt like FOREVER at the time) ten days later we were under contract with a buyer. Our baby was born via C-section 8 days early. I hadn’t wanted a C-section, but that extra time became a life saver. My recovery was infinitely smoother this time around and I was blessed with physical strength I couldn’t have imagined as the two of us spent weeks of long, long, long days getting everything ready for our move. Jeff’s dissertation and defense went smoothly and he was able to finish on time. We were blessed with the help of family members and friends in unexpected ways – and on more than one occasion, when we had reached a point where we didn’t know how we were possibly going to get everything done and time was short.

Along the way, there were more bumps than I can even begin to describe here. It was hard, scary, stressful, and beyond exhausting. And, just because we are here, our journey isn’t over. But God’s hand was and is in the details. Looking back, I can see how over time, things fell into place. When Jeff flew to the UK to start work, he didn’t know a soul, didn’t have a place to live, we didn’t even have a bank account here. We now have a comfortable flat close to a park, the grocery store, the Children’s Centre (which we didn’t even know existed!), and the bus stop that takes us to church. I’ve been able to see firsthand how our previous service in church callings has prepared us for the callings that we now hold, in ways I would not have expected. We have been blessed to meet and make friends through circumstances that are far too coincidental to be coincidences.

The concept of faith preceding the miracle, doesn’t mean the road is going to be easy or effortless or even necessarily smooth. But as we look back, it’s amazing to see the way Heavenly Father blesses us in our lives. As I’ve taken the time to reflect on this most recent experience with our move here, I’ve been touched as I’ve considered the many, little miracles that helped us along the way. Choices in life may not always make logical sense, but once we have felt the Holy Ghost urging us onward and we step forward in faith, we have been promised that “all things shall work together for [our] good” (D&C 90:24).

In a BYU devotional titled, “Tragedy or Destiny,” Spencer W. Kimball (then a member of the quorum of the 12) said, “We know so little. Our judgment is so limited. We judge the Lord often with less wisdom than does our youngest child weigh our decisions. … God controls our lives, guides and blesses us, but gives us our agency. We may live our lives in accordance with His plan for us or we may foolishly shorten or terminate them. I am positive in my mind that the Lord has planned our destiny. ... Sometime we’ll understand fully, and when we see back from the vantage point of the future we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life which seem so difficult for us to comprehend.”

Come What May, And Love It

2011-02-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

I've been really struggling the past couple of weeks.

I know that life is full of its ups and downs, but lately I have felt trapped in the "down." I also know that my life is full of innumerable blessings, but that doesn't mean that life is always roses or that I don't sometimes feel like it's hard to go through another day. And I think that is ok. I think it is important for me to recognize and be honest with myself that sometimes life is difficult. The challenges I face may not be as great as others and perhaps someone else would scoff at my description of "hard," but that doesn't change how I feel. In reality, even with its own ups and downs, the past year has been, overall, difficult for me.

Today as I was trying to make it through yet another day, I remembered some words from a scripture in 2 Nephi, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things..." I was feeling the need for additional comfort and guidance and so I searched for the term "opposition in all things." I found a talk that Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave in October 2008 General Conference entitled, "Come What May, And Love It."

Elder Wirtlin tells of his love for football as a young man and the despair he would feel after a tough game. After listening, the advice his mother gave was, "Joseph, come what may, and love it." Elder Wirthlin expands on this by saying, "I think she may have meant that every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result."

Elder Wirthlin adds, "How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."

A few months ago, I listened to a CES Fireside by Elder M. Russell Ballard in which he quoted a poem entitled "The Oak Tree" by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.

"... A mighty wind blew night and day, it stole the oak tree's leaves away,
then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark, until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground, while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke. "How can you still be standing Oak?"
The oak tree said, "I know that you, can break each branch of mine in two.
Carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them for you see, they are the deepest part of me.

Until today I wasn't sure, of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew."

If there is one thing I feel that I have learned, and yet continue to learn, it is that the times in my life that are the most difficult tend to produce the greatest potential for growth. When I finally come to recognize that most things in life are truly out of my control (other than my own reaction) and that in the end there is only ONE place to turn for Peace, I'm knocked to my knees and my prayers become more fervent than they were before, my heart is more receptive, and because I am humble once again, my understanding and my testimony grows.

Elder Wirthlin adds, "Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others."

I would like to add, "if we choose to let them."

We all go through trials and tough times while here on the earth. But we must CHOOSE to learn and grow as a result of our difficulties. And we can't just choose once because difficulties will continue to come and sometimes they feel increasingly more difficult.

In saying that, I don't mean to be depressing. Luckily, there is an "opposition in all things." Life is full of joyful moments and we know that "men are that they might have joy."

In a BYU devotional entitled "Tragedy or Destiny," Spencer W. Kimball (then a member of the quorum of the 12) taught:
“We know so little. Our judgment is so limited. We judge the Lord often with less wisdom than does our youngest child weigh our decisions. … God controls our lives, guides and blesses us, but gives us our agency. We may live our lives in accordance with His plan for us or we may foolishly shorten or terminate them. I am positive in my mind that the Lord has planned our destiny. ... Sometime we’ll understand fully, and when we see back from the vantage point of the future we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life which seem so difficult for us to comprehend.”

I'm so grateful for the knowledge that God is in control. I'm so grateful for the knowledge that I have a loving Heavenly Father and that, out of love, He sent His Son, our Saviour and Redeemer, to provide a way back to Him. In all of the temporary trials we experience along our sojourn here on earth, I'm grateful for the understanding that "all things work together for good to them that love God." (Romans 8:28). I have already seen the Lord's hand in my life on so many countless occasions and I know that He is in the details.

So, "Come what may, and love it."

Not Shy

2010-12-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

The strangest thing happened to me today.

I realize that to most people, it may not seem like that big of a deal, but to me, it was REALLY weird.

I was at church here in London and we were talking about spiritual gifts. The teacher read the following quote by George Q. Cannon, “If any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift that will make us perfect. … No man ought to say, ‘Oh, I cannot help this; it is my nature.’ He is not justified in it, for the reason that God has promised to give strength to correct these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate them." She then had everyone think about and write down spiritual gifts that we have or that we see in others and would like to have.

Since my arms were full of my baby and I couldn't write, the teacher called on me to share my thoughts. The main thing I was thinking about was the quote that she had read. I tried to communicate how I often find excuses for myself because of my shyness. I look around and see others who are blessed with the spiritual gift to be friendly and outgoing and I "let" them be the one to reach out to others. I rationalize that it is easier for those people and I hide within my shy self. I talked about how the quote made me realize that I need to do more and that I need to pray and ask for those gifts, rather than just doing nothing. Of course, when I shared this thought, it was even more poorly communicated that it is here. She was "nice" and said that she didn't think of me as really shy, and then kind of expounded on the quote and moved on.

At one point near the end of the lesson, the teacher was referencing my comment again in some way and one of the other women in the room asked for clarification on what "shy" really meant. To her, shy had to do with confidence. Then a bunch of the women in the room (now, there couldn't have been more than 30) had a random discussion about me and shyness. They were talking about how I didn't seem shy at all because I seem really confident. Then they were trying to decide how to describe me and they said something like, "You may be 'quiet,' but not shy."

What!? Not Shy?!

It was REALLY weird.

Then they talked about how I am probably only quiet because I am new to a foreign country and if I am here for a few years, I'll be 'just like them.'

It was truly a strange moment for me.

Like I said, it probably doesn't seem like much of anything to most people, but to me it was HUGE.

My entire, and I mean ENTIRE life I have been labeled as shy. Not only by myself, but by others. And I HAVE been shy. My mom said that I was one of the shyest children she has EVER seen. PAINFULLY shy. I have always been very reserved and self-conscious and have always hated talking to new people. Even just running something up to the door of a neighbor or TALKING to a worker in a store is REALLY hard and I'd prefer to not have to talk to anyone.

So to have a room full of women that I barely know, ESPECIALLY in a FOREIGN country where everything is new to me and I feel awkward and on edge at ALL times - even MORE than normal, is REALLY strange to me.

It was almost like losing a part of myself. I've hid behind my label of "shy" for so long that in my mind it even partially DEFINES me. In my mind, it accompanies and leads to my perceived awkwardness in pretty much all situations.

But as I thought about their assertion that I am too confident to be shy, I tried to decide if that is true. I'll admit that I make a lot of comments during our meetings, when I think of something that I find relevant and helpful. I also feel quite at ease when I teach a lesson or when I am giving a talk (if I have done A LOT of preparation and feel comfortable).

This has not always been the case.

I tried to think about how I had gotten to be this way because it is SOOOOO not "me."

As I thought back over my life (at my ripe, old age of 28), I realized that many experiences I have had along the way have actually shaped me into the person I am today and that the layers of my shyness have been slowly peeling away like an onion. Not all of the layers are gone, but I can see that in many ways, I am a DRASTICALLY different person that I once was.

As I look back over my education and the out-of-my-comfort-zone experiences I had with meeting new people, working on large projects in assigned groups, and making regular presentations have slowly expanded my comfort zone. As I look back over my career, applying for jobs, the jobs I've had, the roles I've filled, and the responsibilities that were placed upon me forced me to do hard things, giving me new confidence as I gained new experiences. As I look back over my service in the church - callings I have held, talks I have given, lessons I have taught, and people I have visited, I can see how each of those things have worked together to build confidence, increase my knowledge, and shape me into a new person. As I look back over these past four months in a foreign country with all of the differences, the new experiences, and a trying to find a new set of friends, I realize that THOSE stretchy experiences have also continued to shape me.

At the time, it would have been easier to do nothing. It's easier to stay within my bubble and not go outside of my comfort zone. Some of the things I've done on my own, and some things life threw at me.

As I think about all of this, I can't help but think about the famous poem, titled The Weaver:

My Life is but a weaving

between my Lord and me;

I cannot choose the colors

He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow

And I, in foolish pride,

Forget He sees the upper,

And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly,

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver's skillful hand,

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,

Nothing this truth can dim.

He gives His very best to those

Who leave the choice with Him.

Perhaps for a moment today, I caught a glimpse of the "upper side." As I look to the future, I can't help but wonder what experiences, trials, and "stretchy" moments it holds.

But I know that all of those things will just continue to shape who I am. Perhaps one day I'll no longer bear any resemblance to who I once thought I was. As I think back to that PAINFULLY shy young girl, it's strange to think that maybe one day, even I, will label myself as "not shy."

Just a House

2010-11-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream about MY Texas house. It was just as I remembered it, but empty except for one of our couches, which we no longer own.

Today I pulled up our virtual tour online and showed Nathan a few of the pictures. I showed him the front of the house and asked him what it was. "A house," he said. No longer does he recognize it as "Nathan's house." It is just "a house."

I pulled up a picture of Nathan's bedroom, wondering if that would spark any memories. He looked at it for a moment and then said, with an intent expression, "Tiftee. Grandma." and then thought for another moment before saying, "Grandma's house! Tiftee!" and then "Nathan's bed!" He must remember playing in that room with Aunt Tiffany the last several weeks we lived there. He must remember when Grandma Rankin came to help out after Christopher was born. He must remember his bed.

Then I pulled up a few other pictures to see if he would say anything.

When I pulled up the picture of the backyard Nathan excitedly said, "A garden!" My first thought was how here in the UK yards are called "gardens" and I assumed that must be what he meant. Then he added, "Work in the garden...with daddy!" He must remember all of the times he used to go out in the backyard with daddy to work on our little square gardens. He loved doing that. I told Jeff about Nathan saying that and it made him really happy.

When I look at these pictures, so many memories come flooding back to me. We only lived in that home for just over three years, but oh, so many happy memories. Our first house together. Bringing Nathan and then Christoper home there. My love of cooking and vegetables discovered in that kitchen. Nathan's first steps in that living room. Crawling and playing under the dining table. Hours of rocking and reading stories in Nathan's room. Sitting and looking out the window with a sweet, baby Nathan cuddled against my chest. Sitting on the back porch enjoying the quiet and the view. The memories could go on and on...

The memories still linger in my heart. And when I look at these pictures, it hurts. Because I miss those memories.

But as Nathan said, the house itself is just, "a house."

"Don't Grieve Over The Cherries..."

2010-10-20T13:12:00.001-07:00

"...enjoy the pineapple and mangoes."

Lately I've been letting myself get a bit sad.

Not that I'm really sunk into a deep depression at the moment, but over the past week or so, I've been thinking (dreaming...longing, even) of our home in Texas, but more importantly, in the United States.

You know how often when you look back on life, everything is viewed through rose-colored glasses? Well, the past is looking VERY rosy right about now.

Sometimes I'm even DRAWN to inflicting the "pain" by wasting time reminiscing and looking through pictures from the not-so-distant past. Seemingly inconsequential photos bring me on the verge of tears.

For example, washing the car.

Oh, our car. Oh A car! Oh, to HAVE a car! Oh, I MISS my car! I could get out and about and around! And it was big! Big! It could hold all of us AND groceries! (Not to mention the fact that I actually knew HOW to drive there!)

Or, viewing a photo (WITH Nathan sitting next to me, mind you) of a grinning Nathan sitting on our couch with his friend, Caleb. While viewing it, Nathan says in a confused voice, "Caleb?" Then adds, "Playing with Caleb?"

I can feel my eyes stinging.

I think about how Nathan must have been such a HAPPY little boy back then to have his friends. (Umm...he's still happy NOW) And how he ALWAYS shared and NEVER cried and was SOOOO happy and perfectly social and NEVER quiet or scared. (haha, yeah right). I think about our couches (plural) and how they were sooo comfy and how now they are gone. Sold. I will never sit or lay on them again.

Or, looking at ANY photo of ANY of us in our kitchen.

Oh, the pretty tile floor, without gaps and years of gunk in the corners! Oh, the BIG refrigerator - IN the kitchen. The fridge that held TONS of food. Oh, and our chest freezer. Oh, to have food on hand, at home. Not having to go grocery shopping (on foot) practically every day in order to keep food on hand. Oh, our sink. Our BIG sink with two deep sides that made doing dishes heavenly (haha, heavenly?). Oh, our island. Room to cook and clean to my heart's content. And don't even get me started on all of my kitchen appliances, dishes, pots, and pans!

I think of the SPACE. The SIZE of our house. The SIZE of our living room. The open floor plan. Room to run around and do cartwheels if I wanted! I think of the age of the home. Built in 2001, in good shape, easy to keep clean (this is rosy, remember), etc. etc. I think of our yard, our vegetable garden, all of those things that we no longer have... And don't even get me STARTED on the washer and dryer!

I think about how my sister, Darcie, had JUST moved to Austin and JUST had a baby. About how my brother, Dan, and his family had recently moved to Arkansas ("only" an 8 hour drive away). FINALLY I had family nearby. I think about how easy it was to fly around the country to visit family. Of how often I would call my sisters or mom to just chat, while I waited for Jeff to get home or whenever I was out on a walk.

I can't do that anymore. And it's hard.

I think about my friends, Nathan's friends. I think about our neighborhood and how close many of our friends lived.

The list could go on...and on...and on. And some days, it does.

Today while I was feeding Christopher, I picked up a book and found a quote that I thought was fitting.

"Don't grieve over cherries. Enjoy the pineapple and mangoes."

This is a quote by Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley, late wife to the past LDS Prophet, President Gordon B. Hinkley. At one point, one of their daughters lived in Hawaii and was missing the fruit that grew in her parents' yard back in Utah. Sister Hinckley responded, "Don't grieve over cherries. Enjoy the pineapple and mangoes."

There are a million things that are different about living here. I don't even think I could BEGIN to explain it all here.

But with every difference comes, just that, a difference - something else. And even though the "cherries" may not be in my backyard, there are plenty of fresh "pineapples and mangoes." I don't doubt that one day I'll even be pining for my life, friends, and memories in England.

I've said it before on this blog, and I'm SURE I'll say it again - "The only thing constant in life, is change."

If we think the way things are is permanent, we are fooling ourselves. Time has a way of passing, whether we want it to or not. Sometimes we get too comfortable, not realizing that everything can, and sometimes does, change in a moment. Or not realizing that one day this moment, this situation, will just be a memory. Sometimes we get discouraged -foolishly thinking, with our limited perspective, that some things matter more than they really do.

And maybe, like SO many things. It's just another one of those lessons that we must learn over...and over...and over again.

It's hard not to look back in the face of change and long for the seeming "stability" that we trick ourselves into THINKING we once had. And the past IS important - Lessons learned, memories made, our very character created.

But we also need to move forward. And begin searching for the pineapples and mangoes.

Getting Braver...

2010-09-09T05:58:00.000-07:00

I'm really trying to work on being brave.

I am generally really NOT brave.

When I was younger, my mom used to try to get me to help her by running things up to peoples' doors for her so that she wouldn't have to get out of the car. The thought of having to knock on someone's door and hand them a paper TERRIFIED me. And these were generally people I knew quite well. Oh, and I was probably 17 or something. (Ok, maybe not 17, but still...I was shy, shy, shy.)

I always hate being different because it makes me stand out. When Jeff and I first moved to Austin and our car had a "Utah" license plate, I was SO embarrassed. I was certain that EVERYONE saw and that it made me SO different and that everyone had all of these preconceived notions. Uhhh...can we say paranoid?!

I had a really hard time at our first and second wards (church congregation) in Texas. I felt like I was the only woman without kids and pursuing a profession. Week after week, I would sit alone during Relief Society (the women's class during the 3rd hour) and feel completely alone. Over time, I started to get to know people a little bit and went to a few activities, but I never REALLY got to know anyone. I was constantly feeling awkward and different.

Eventually, we ended up in our third and final ward. I served in leadership positions, which helped me get to know people, I gave birth to Nathan, which suddenly threw me into similar circumstances with the many young mothers there. I felt like I finally "fit in" somewhere.

And then we moved.

A bazillion miles away.

To England.

And I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I feel like being a mother of two (especially so close in age and especially that are being carted around in a baby bjorn and stroller on foot) calls attention to me. Even at church, I feel like my life situation is drastically different. There AREN'T many young mothers, there AREN'T many women who aren't working on a career. I also feel like every time I open my mouth, my American accent is screaming, "I'm a clueless foreigner!!!" (Although in reality, they usually can't hear me at all because I talk so softly when I'm embarrassed). And I worry about negative preconceived notions people might have about America. "What must they think of me?!" I wonder.

As I've moved through various experiences in my life, I have started to come to realize that most people just don't have time to sit and stare at me and think about how different I am. I really think that most people just don't notice. They are too busy worrying about themselves or something else. Sure, a select few might be thinking fleeting, judgemental thoughts, but so what? At the same time, a select few might really be in tune enough to notice me and reach out.

It's interesting how feeling so different or lonely makes me focus so intently on what I am doing. Every action I make, every word I speak is overanalyzed in my mind - almost to the point that I can hardly function at times. From experiences I've had on the other end of the situation, I know that I am not analyzing the other persons' actions at all! (Except occasionally to think, 'I want to be a friend to this person because I know what it is like to be on their end...')

And so, armed with this "understanding," I am trying to be brave. Having young children helps motivate me to open the door to my flat and go outside because I don't want them to miss out.

I'm doing things that are stretching me like taffy. To another, they might seem trivial or inconsequential. But to me, they are huge.

I'm walking everywhere with two kids in tow. I'm using public transportation on my own. I'm trying to figure out British libraries, British toddler groups, and British doctors on my own. I'm discovering that the Internet doesn't not seem as useful for information as I'm used to and so I'm forced to talk to people I don't know, whose words are hard for me to understand. I'm living life in a way that is significantly different from what I am used to.

And at moments, I am starting to feel just a little bit brave.

The Moments Pass...

2010-08-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

Today I was considering my life and some of the things I have done that I never imagined I would do and really, was never interested in doing. Some are more desirable than others:

· Completed a Master degree

· Worked for one of the Big Four Global Accounting Firms

· Earned my CPA License

· Had a blood clot

· Had a C-section

· Had a repeat C-section

· Had a Wound VAC

· Moved to a foreign country

It’s funny in a way because, although I never really planned on doing any of these things, they have shaped me and my life’s perspective in ways that I never would have imagined. In retrospect, now that the hard work relating to each of these events is past (except maybe the last one), they don’t really seem like that big of a deal. Now that I know the end result and that life really did pass and move on, and things “worked out,” I can look back and be grateful for what I learned on my journey. And I can recognize God’s hand in my life, leading me on.

As the final days of my move overseas came nearer and the craziness that had entered my life for several months was continuing and seemingly overwhelming at times, I was able to tell myself that I just had to get through the moment. I knew that it was only temporary. When we were stuck in the Seattle airport for 12 hours with two kids and 6 hours of traveling ahead, I didn’t focus on the misery, I tried to deal with each moment and remind myself that “this too shall pass.” When I got stuck in a heavy downpour here in England while walking to the grocery store holding an umbrella and trying to push a stroller, which was getting soaked (which meant my son was getting soaked), I just told myself, “All I need to do is make it to our flat.”

In both of these situations and so many others, there really wasn’t anything I could do. I really was stranded at the airport and there was no way we would be able to leave before the midnight flight. I was in the middle of a rainstorm several blocks from home. The rain wasn’t stopping and walking was my only option. In both cases, no one was going to magically fix the problem. My circumstances really weren’t going to change in that moment. But they also weren’t going to last forever.

Of course the same principle applies in pleasant situations. When my sweet baby is looking up at me and smiling, I recognize that this precious, innocent state won’t last forever. When my toddler snuggles in as he drinks a cup of milk in the morning, I recognize that these days won’t last forever.

Life is so transient, isn’t it? A difficult or demanding time that seemingly drags on forever is soon past. A wonderful visit with family is all too soon just a memory. I know it sounds trite, but in any time period that we encounter, I suppose we just need to remember and reflect on the brevity of it all. Enjoy the many small miracles that make up our days. Remember that difficult situations pass by and each minute that passes is bringing us closer its end. And remember that there will be good moments and not-so-good ones, but they all come together with God’s influence, to make us who we are becoming…

Life

2010-04-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking about life. (Do I say that a lot?)

As I prepare for some major (at least for me) changes in my life this summer, I can't help but begin to have yet another paradigm shift - you know, those major shifts in perspective that can happen from time to time...those experiences that shape and redefine your perspective in such a way that suddenly you have a completely new way of thinking about things. I like to think of it as maturing. Like MAYBE eventually one day when I'm in my 90's, I'll finally have things figured out. But probably not. In fact, sometimes I feel like I have to have THE SAME paradigm shifts over and over again as reminders. But, oh well!

Anyway, here are a few of the things I have been thinking about:

Last Thursday our church had a Relief Society (women's organization) activity that focused on celebrating the creation of the Relief Society back in 1842. As part of the activity, several women shared pioneer stories. One of the stories that was shared was about a young family of four that traveled from Wales to Utah to join the Saints. The family in the story even had two children, aged 6 months and 2 years. I couldn't help but relate to this family as I sometimes think of myself as a "reverse pioneer" in a sense - giving up my extended family, home, comforts, and possessions to move across the ocean, back to the land of MY ancestors.

As the family headed out west, they ended up on a steam ship sailing down one of the rivers in America. Apparently steam ships were extremely dangerous and this particular steam ship had a difficult time navigating a bend in the river. After several days of trying without luck (and many passengers complaining about the delays), the captain gave the order to put the fire in the furnaces as high as it would go - they even threw bacon into the fire to make it hotter. The intention was that this would give the ship enough power to navigate the turn. Instead, the ship exploded, killing most of the people on board. The mother of the family was the only one that survived. She lost her husband and her two young children. She was badly burned and disfigured for the rest of her life. And yet, she continued her trek to Utah to join the Saints and continued in her faith in God.

As I heard this story, especially since I had the nerve to compare myself to the pioneers, I thought about how often we don't realize how good we have it. It is SO easy to focus on our difficulties, on what we lack, or on our trials and to completely forget the innumerable blessings we enjoy. I once went through a phase when I was in college where I even felt blessed to have CARPET! And really, carpet is a blessing, but an example of one that is easily overlooked!

As I have been considering my move abroad, I keep thinking about what I will be giving up. I think about the savings that could go toward another house down payment, which will likely be used up, at least partially, in the move. I think of my belongings that I will need to sort through and get rid of. I think of my many comforts and possessions that will not be moving abroad with us. Because of this, I have considered myself to be like the pioneers. They also had to leave a lot of their belongings behind to move west. But another story that was shared that night mentioned the hurried flight the Saints made from Nauvoo to flee the mobs. Those pioneers didn't have the advanced notice that I have.

As I considered what the pioneers actually went through, I felt like I couldn't even compare myself to them. They didn't have months of preparation to determine which items to take and which to leave behind. Some were forced to leave in a hurry, with little more than their families. They didn't have the option of purchasing more belongings (even meager ones) when they arrived. Many of them were pregnant, but still journeyed through those harsh conditions - often giving birth on the plains and sometimes even burying family members as they travelled. They were heading out to the open wilderness, with only faith to guide their footsteps. They weren't leaving family, knowing that they could send an instant email any time they wanted or web chat from across the ocean. They left, not knowing if they would EVER see each other again in this life.

It leaves me in awe of these great men and women. It also makes my situation feel almost trivial in comparison.

The other thing I have been thinking about, as I have researched differences between the US and the UK, is how different life is over there. Not that it is COMPLETELY different, but there will be some definite adjustments. For example, since we will be living near London, life will be significantly more expensive. In addition, housing is significantly smaller there. From what I have read, anything 1,000 square feet or over is considered spacious. Closets are rare. Fridges are smaller than in the US. Access to cheap goods (like Wal-Mart or Target) is difficult to find. The washers are different, the heating is different, plumbing is different.

In some ways it is a struggle for me to think about adjusting to the differences. I know I'll miss many of the comforts that I have come to enjoy and consider "ordinary." But I DO think it will be a good experience. I think I sometimes get caught up in what "living" is, based on my own experiences and expectations. But much of the world lives differently than me. And you know what, we can live happy and full lives with MUCH LESS than we have right now.

As I've sorted through so many of my possessions just getting ready to put our house on the market, I've started to realize just how much STUFF I own, but NEVER use. Even now that our house is cleaned out, there are still many items that we don't use on a regular basis or that I'm confident we don't really need. And sure, some things are nice to have, but life can be just as enjoyable without them. Sometimes maybe even more so.

Irony

2010-04-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

Nothing feels quite as ironic as trying desperately to teach your almost 21 month old son an important life skill (and being slightly frustrated that he hasn't caught on yet), when it is something that you, yourself, are OBVIOUSLY still learning to master.

I must admit that I have been pretty impatient about all of the changes coming up in the near future. I desperately want (and really, expect) things to work out, but instead of patiently having faith, I'm impatiently wanting to KNOW how it will all work out NOW so that I can feel a sense of control in my life.

Each moment is excruciatingly long as I wait for a phone call from someone, anyone, wanting to look at our house (and hopefully buy it!). I carry my phone in my pocket, with the sound turned up as high as it can go so that there is NO chance that I will miss a call. I impatiently wait to hear from our realtors about the counter offer we submitted on Sunday and find myself getting more and more annoyed that I haven't heard ANYTHING in the time frame that they expected.

Pregnancy drags on and on. And as each day passes and my body grows and hurts more and more, I wish that it would just be over with so I could feel like myself again! As the minutes SLOWLY tick by during each day, I WISH I could speed up the time until Nathan's nap time.

I anxiously await the arrival of mine and Nathan's passports in the mail so that we can get on to our next step of applying for visas. And then I will undoubtedly anxiously and impatiently await word on our visas. I search and search for airfare prices even though we can't book anything yet because we have to wait. wait. wait!

I am a planner. I want to KNOW what is going to happen. I want CONTROL. I do not want to be FORCED to learn patience. I want to teach my son what patience is, but without having to actually BE patient myself.

But life has a way of FORCING you to wait- of showing you that you are NOT the one in control, even if sometimes you get to "feel" that way. Life has a way of teaching patience and building faith, but it is up to US to actually learn the lesson.

And so as I repeatedly tell my son, "Just a minute, be patient!" I can't help but feel a little sheepish. How can I expect HIM to be patient when I myself am so obviously NOT patient (especially right now)?

The Journey is the Destination

2010-03-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to curl up in bed, throw the blankets over my head, and cry. There is just SO much to do, SO much to think about, SO much money to worry about and SO many changes coming. On top of it all, I'm pregnant, which for me is akin to constant discomfort and misery (as well as heightened hormones). I'm also tired. I have been staying up too late, waking up too early, and overall trying to do too much because well, there is too much to do! And of course it's almost impossible to get things accomplished when Nathan is awake and he's decided to refuse to nap, which results in a really really cranky Nathan AND a really really cranky mother. In the end, I feel like a terrible mother, I'm less patient, and I just want a break! A break from being a mother, a break from thinking about the move, a break from being pregnant, and a break from life! And then I feel awful and like a loser because I only have ONE kid to take care of which really shouldn't be that hard, right? And I feel bad because I have so many wonderful blessings in my life and really the upcoming changes are good and some things that other people will never get the opportunity to experience. But alas, we all have days like that, right?

As I have been sorting through my files in preparation for our move to Europe, I found a quote written on a post-it note. The quote simply reads, "The journey is the destination." I couldn't help but think about how it applied to me in my current situation and really, to all of us and life in general.

Part of me would LOVE to go into a deep sleep and wake up about five months from now having already packed up and sold my house, having already given birth AND recovered, and already be living in England with my family together and moved into our new apartment. Sometimes I would LOVE to have a fast-forward button. I felt similarly a few years ago. I remember the morning Nathan was born and how much I would have LOVED to fast-forward to him already being here. And I remember my awful recovery afterward and how much I would have LOVED to fast-forward to when I was healed and healthy again. But, alas, there is no fast-forward button for life.

And so I am reminded again of that simple quote that at one point touched me enough that I wrote it down and saved it: "The journey is the destination." So often I feel like I am looking to the future. When I was in college, I was looking toward graduation. When I was engaged, I was looking toward marriage. When I am was pregnant with Nathan, I was looking toward having him in my arms. When I had a newborn, I was looking toward him sleeping through the night. And each of those times, I was so anxious to get to the "end goal." Perhaps sometimes I even became so preoccupied with the end result that I didn't stop to really enjoy and appreciate the moments that got me there. But those moments are what make us who we are. Those moments are the building blocks that shape us and define us.

As I have been sorting through my things, I came across a bookshelf full of my tax related notes and resources. Since we are definitely working on downsizing and de-junking as we move halfway around the world, I realized that I could no longer hang onto these things. I realized that I don't use them now and that is highly unlikely that they will be of any benefit to me in the near or distant future. As I was sorting, I also found my transcripts from college. I looked at my grades and the courses I studied as I earned my degrees. I considered how different my life is now than it was only a year ago when I was still working and "using" my degree. I remembered how much I enjoyed my studies - how well I did in school and how well I did in my career. And I found myself wondering if I was wasting all of that knowledge and skill. Tax laws change rapidly and the longer I am out, the more obsolete my knowledge becomes.

But then I considered that those degrees and the CPA license hanging on my wall are NOT what define me. In some ways, they aren't even what is important. It was the process, the journey, that earned me those honors. It isn't the job title I had when I left my job that made me who I am, it isn't even the specific projects I worked on, but the hours I toiled, the hard work I performed, and the experiences I gained along the way. With anything in life, it is the process we go through getting there that is truly important. It isn't the grown up, independent adult child that makes the mother who she is. It is the years spent loving, serving, helping, guiding, and teaching that molds her into the mother who she is.

And so, as I prepare for my busy summer and all of the challenges and changes coming my way, I'm going to try to appreciate the journey just a little bit more. I know that eventually at least THIS journey will be over, but it will be because of each step that I finally reach my destination...

March Madness, Week 2!

2010-03-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

Here is the reading list for this week:

March 8: Jacob 5:16-Mosiah 2:4
March 9: Mosiah 2:5-11:3
March 10: Mosiah 11:4-19:3
March 11: Mosiah 19:4-26:22
March 12: Mosiah 26:23- Alma 3:22
March 13: Alma 3:23-10:26
March 14: Alma 10:27-17:25

I'll admit that I am a bit behind. I'm still in 2 Nephi (through 4 of the 7 days for last week), but I'm happy to report that I've been reading EVERY day. And not just a hurried verse or chapter so that I can pat myself on the back for reading, but I've really been trying to read and keep up with the schedule. I've decided to put all other novels/reading aside until I finish the Book of Mormon.

So far I have really enjoyed it and it's been a good experience. I've been asking Jeff a lot of questions as I have been reading and we've had some great conversations. There really are some great stories and teachings in here! :) Which isn't a surprise, but it's been interested to read them in quick succession like a book rather then with a lot of starting and stopping or skipping around. I'm really glad that Melarie posted this idea on her blog so that I was able to take up the challenge! I have been kind of slacking (well, no "kind of" about it) in the past.

Life In The Slow Lane

2010-03-07T13:26:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, while I was waiting to have my blood work done, I picked up a magazine to pass the time. In it, there was an article titled, "Life in the Slow Lane" that was written about the author of a book called, "Slow Home."

The author told about her experience in the Peace Corps. She said, "I learned a lot about slowing down, finding joy, not rushing through life... There is an old saying in the Peace Corps... 'If you go to Latin America, you will come back politically aware; if you go to Asia, you will come back more culturally aware; and if you go to Africa, you will come back laughing.' And I did come back laughing. Without all of our wonderful western distractions, that which is essential becomes clear pretty quickly."

The article talks about the author's desire to slow down life in her home. She says, "Being constantly on, connected, and turned in to various media sources is exhausting. And being crammed with all this activity leaves little room for new thoughts and creative expressions. Most of us are juggling more than is healthy, and yet, we've been trained to think that we always have to be busy. That's why slowing down is a radical choice. And, after being on the move my whole life, I was ready to do something radical."

Reading the article was like a breath of fresh air. There's something so appealing about slowing down and "de-cluttering" life. Adjusting to life as a stay-at-home mom has been a big paradigm shift for me. Prior to resigning last May, I had gotten to the point where I packed my life and schedule as busy as I could. It felt exhilarating to rush from one thing to the next and I never had a moment to be bored.

When I was in college, I worked 20-30 hours a week, carried a full and demanding course load, served in the church, participated in extracurricular activities, and tried to carry on a social life. I also didn't have much down time. When I graduated, I slipped right into employment in the world of large, public accounting firms and "enjoyed" how quickly a 60 or 70 hour work week could pass when I was fully engaged in several busy projects. I was tied to my computer at all hours, constantly checking my work email and voicemail for updates, questions, or responses. There was always something going on. I think I even started to believe that taking a break (even a LUNCH break) was akin to wasting time or being lazy. I measured my worth, my productivity, in my ability to accomplish things thoroughly, quickly, efficiently, and perfectly.

And then my son entered the picture.

Having a baby forces you to slow down. Not that life gets easier or less busy (in fact, I would say quite the opposite!), but it definitely slows down. There is no more rushing through the day being mentally stimulated, feeling productive, and seeing how much you have accomplished. Some days (or MOST days) I FEEL like I am rushing all day only to look around me at my trashed house, stained clothing, and sink full of dishes wondering what on EARTH I did all day.

And although life is busy, busy, busy, it is slower. Some days the moments pass so slowly that I don't know how I will make it through the remaining 12 hours until bedtime. But there are other moments. Slow moments where I watch my son's delighted face as he discovers yet ANOTHER rock on the sidewalk. The way he looks up at every plane that flies overhead. His amazement at discovering that when he throws sand up in the air, it will come back down and land on his head. His joy at recognizing and naming various things in our home, outside, or at the store. These moments force me to slow down and pay attention, or I will miss them.

I used to think that I needed to keep myself busy doing a million things or else it meant I was lazy or somehow worth less. At times, it was also invigorating. But as I've adjusted to being a stay-at-home mom, I've uncomfortably (because it always seems to be somewhat painful to change your viewpoint) discovered that isn't true. It's ok to not be constantly running and doing a million things at once, as long as you are doing the ESSENTIAL things, the BEST things. And sometimes, part of doing the essential things is to NOT be busy or engaged in a million different things all of the time.

In the March Ensign, there is an article called, "Digital Detachment & Personal Revelation."In the article, Scott D. Whiting writes:

"We carry wireless telephones that can store hundreds of numbers, are able to take both moving and still pictures, and can access never-ending streams of information from an unseen source. We can play thousands of songs from a device no larger than a credit card. We can surf the Internet at any time of the day or night and quickly move across the intellectual and physical globe in images and information..."

"While modern technological advancements can enhance the work of the Lord and bless us and our families, we must be careful not to fall victim to their destructive side. We must not only avoid the base and degrading content some sources contain, but we must also recognize when electronic distractions keep us from quieter, more significant uses of our time. We must guard against becoming so attached to digital devices that we become detached from God." [And I would add, our families - or the other things that are truly important.]

"Sometimes the most productive 'point and click' application is that of pointing our finger at the power button and clicking our digital devices off."

I'm happy to say that in regards to certain distractions, I do quite well, but I am not perfect and often find myself wasting time online or in other ways. I want to do better at living life in the "slow lane." I want to do better at making sure I am focusing on the essential things and then filling the rest of my time with useful activities. In Sunday School today, the teacher brought up an interesting thought. In regards to prioritizing our lives, he said something to the effect of, "When we are 90, will we look back at the things we spent our life doing and feel that we spent it doing the things that matter most?"

March Madness

2010-03-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

Jeff and I love March Madness. Well, probably Jeff more than me, but I like to make basketball brackets. I usually just do a lot of random guessing, but then have fun playing against Jeff to see who will win. He pretty much always does!

Well, this post is actually about a DIFFERENT kind of March Madness. The wife of one of my friends from college used to do a March Madness challenge when she was in seminary. She is doing it again this year and I decided to play along. Basically in THIS version of March Madness, you read the entire Book of Mormon in one month. Since I am not always consistent with my reading, I thought it would be a fun challenge. Plus, it's fun to know I am not the only one doing it. Here is the schedule for this week:

March 1: 1 Nephi 1-10:7
March 2: 1 Nephi 10:8-16:32
March 3: 1 Nephi 16:33-2 Nephi 1:24
March 4: 2 Nephi 1:25-9:28
March 5: 2 Nephi 9:29-19:11
March 6: 2 Nephi 19:12-27:31
March 7: 2 Nephi 27:32- Jacob 5:15

I've enjoyed it so far and am looking forward to staying on track all month. Wish me luck!

Great Quote

2010-02-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

I heard a great Elder Neal A. Maxwell quote in church today:

"How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!' "

I'm pretty sure I've heard it before, but it's still a great one!

Sometimes it is SO easy to just wish that life would work out EXACTLY as we want all the time. It's easy to get annoyed or upset when every little detail doesn't fall into place the way we think it should or when tough things happen. I can still remember how helpless I felt when I dealt with a major personal trial several years ago. I thought my entire world was falling apart and had no idea how I would pick up the pieces. I felt betrayed, shocked, and most of all that it was all unfair and too much to bear.

But it truly is the trials and bumps in the road that teach us and help us grow. If life was always smooth sailing all of the time, we really wouldn't become much of anything. And THAT is what this life is all about. I'm not always grateful in the moment, but in retrospect, I am grateful for all of the trials, misfortunes, and disappointments I have dealt with in my life. They have made me who I am. They have given me the understanding that I now have and have broadened my perspective about life and what really matters.

Me

2010-02-15T18:37:00.000-08:00

I've been REALLY down lately.

I don't know if it is my pregnancy hormones or the colder weather and being stuck indoors or just the fact that I feel like I come so incredibly short of the person I would like to be - the person that I feel like I SHOULD be. I keep letting myself get so overwhelmed by all of the things I'm not doing (which really seems like a lot!) or not doing to the extent I would like to. And then I get so overwhelmed that I can barely function and just get stuck in a rut.

Sometimes I wish that I could hide myself in a hole so that I felt like I had no responsibilities to the outside world. I would ask nothing of them and they would expect nothing of me. Sometimes I feel like people must look at me and think I am lazy or useless or unreliable. Sometimes I feel like people are judging me and feeling like I don't measure up to their expectations of how I should be.

I wish I didn't care so much what people think.

Only, do people REALLY think that?

Who has time to sit around and look at other people and think all of these negative things about them? And if they do, what does that say about THEM?

Really, what I need to realize is that I am my own harshest critic. And I need to work through that. I need to give myself a break, but also work to motivate myself to do better because I can DEFINITELY do better. But I need to take one step at a time. I'm not going to be perfect now - or ever - at least not in this life and especially not through my OWN efforts. I'll always be working on that. Always. (Wow, that's daunting!)

I also need to realize that, while there may be some person out their judging my behavior at times, it doesn't REALLY matter. If I am TRYING my best (which I feel like I'm not because there is always SO much more I could do) or if I am at least making a positive difference and moving in the right direction, I need to be content with my efforts. I need to recognize what I DO in addition to trying to work on what I lack. That's hard for me to actually put into practice sometimes.

My Former Self

2010-01-08T11:55:00.000-08:00

Although I love being a mother and feel strongly that focusing on motherhood is what I need to do right now, sometimes I miss what I call "my former self."

The sense of longing is only heightened as I recognize and admit that "my former self" is in the past and gone. Life's changes are exciting, important, and fulfilling, but there is sometimes a sense of loss at what I have left behind as I journey on my way.

Some missed pieces of my former self are purely superficial. Perhaps at times I miss my high school self. Certainly not for any maturity features from that time in my life, but I sometimes miss my body that worked out relentlessly. That strong, healthy body that was tanned and toned. The hair that was painstakingly styled each morning.

Other missed pieces are somewhat prideful. I miss the me that excelled. The me that won scholarships and awards and earned good grades. The me that worked hard to earn my college degrees, completely supporting myself along the way. The me that worked hard in my profession, making a name for myself, impressing my superiors and peers. The me that was considered, "smart." The me that brought in an ever increasing income. The me that collected praise. The me that was confident and talented. The me that was on a path to worldly success.

I also miss the talents, hobbies, and interests of my former self. The songs I used to sing. The art I used to create. When I was younger, I had so many things I was interested in. So many things I performed well at and enjoyed. Math, science, drawing, painting, hiking, roller blading, writing...

But now, I feel a shadow of my former self. My body is not toned and tanned. My current work does not earn an income, does not set me apart and above. My current life does not offer much time for hobbies. I have not picked up a paintbrush or pencil in years to create a picture.

My life is somewhat redundant and draining. Ever running, but never feeling as though anything is accomplished. No final masterpiece to behold, no grade assigned, no bonus or raise. My days are not my own. They are often dictated by the moods and temperament of my child. Or perhaps by the list of tasks for the day.

And yet, my life is full.

But it is a NEW me. And sometimes I struggle to keep pieces of the old me in tact as I create the new me. Sometimes I struggle to find the old me among the new. To see a glimpse of my former self, the person who has helped make me who I am today. I have been losing pieces of my former self for years. As life changes and new responsibilities come in, some of the old must be pushed aside to make room for the new.

It can be difficult to lose pieces of my identity that seemed so important for so long. I have to continue to learn and grow. To define what is truly important and refocus on those things as everything else changes and life moves on.

Only one thing is for certain. Life will continue to change. I will continue to change, to become an ever-changing "new" me. I will continue to pile up sometimes longed for "former selves." But it is up to me to decide who that "new" me will become. To nourish and encourage those traits and talents that are I feel are most important.

And so I must look to the future and not get hung up longing for what used to be. I must live in the present and enjoy it while it is still ME.

My New Year's Resolution

2010-01-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

My New Year's Resolution is to be perfect.

It can't be THAT hard, right?

This is the time of year that everyone is making resolutions. The beginning of a new year feels like a beautiful, clean slate and I can think of a million things I want to do better than I did the year before. The problem is, I want to be perfect. All of the things I want to change and do better basically lead to a perfect me, that sadly, will not be any more attainable this year than it was last year.

I'm grateful for the wise words of our late Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley who always challenged us to be "a little better." So this year, maybe instead of being PERFECT like I want to be, I'll just try to be a little better. Maybe I'll choose one or two things that are truly important to me and focus on those for a while.

The problem is trying to find only one or two things to focus on when the list is a million miles long...

NieNie

2009-12-13T11:58:00.001-08:00

About a million people that I know follow Stephanie Nielson's blog and for the past few months I have been reading it every few days as well. Her story is heartbreaking and her recovery difficult, and yet, inspiring. A reporter in Arizona recently wrote a very candid, honest story of her crash and the beginning of her recovery that you can read, here. When I hear stories like these, I can't help but consider how lucky and blessed I am. And yet, also, how fleeting each moment is. Health changes, jobs can be lost, the economy can turn south.

It reminds me yet again how important it is to keep things in perspective. How important it is to appreciate the moment. We can waste so much time complaining or finding things to be unhappy about (because those things are always there). But there is also so much to be grateful for and happy about. We have the agency, the choice, to choose what we will focus on.

In junior high I had a friend tell me a quote she had heard and it has always stuck with me. "You'll find what you are looking for, so look for the best." It's true. Our attitude or our preconceived notions can really change the experience that we have. I want to be better about focusing on and looking for the positive, for the "best." I want to appreciate and SHOW appreciation for the blessings I have been given and even how the trials in my life have blessed me. I also want to look for the "best" in others. None of us our perfect, but we all have a good qualities. I want to be better at focusing on those qualities in others and myself.

I will probably never be perfect at it, but I hope I can be better.

I Love My Family

2009-11-29T20:59:00.001-08:00

This will be quick because it is late and I am tired.

I just have to say that I am grateful for my little family. Every day I get to spend with my son and husband is a blessing. I can't imagine losing either of them. I love them both so much. It's so easy to get frustrated or annoyed in day to day living, but when I really stop to think about how fragile life is, I can't help but feel an aching from all of the uncertainty. Each moment is precious. It's not worth letting the little things get in the way or letting ourselves be distracted from what is really important.

Anyway, I'm really emotional this evening. I think I need to stop watching the news and stop listening to my mom when she calls and tells me tragic stories. (Especially when I am pregnant). There is so much to celebrate and be thankful for.

I Was Really Here - I Really Lived

2009-10-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago, a friend left a quote on my family blog. I had written about an incident (which seems very frequent these days), where I had gone out to a baby shower and later realized that my shirt was covered in food from Nathan's hands and snot from his nose. This friend felt that the following quote was applicable and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since. Every time I am covered in crumbs, pee, or snot...every time I look around at the disaster area that is my house...every time I feel exhausted and not in the mood to give service beyond my own little family, I think of this quote:

“I don’t want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sister Schenk’s lawn. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor’s children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone’s garden. I want to be there with children’s sticky kisses on my cheeks and tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

-Sister Marjorie P. Hinckley

Beautiful, isn't it?

I Am Not In Control

2009-10-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the trials in life.

Throughout my life, I have experienced several distinct moments where my perspective changed and expanded in such a way that my entire perception of life was forced to change. For example, I still remember the moment when I truly came to understand that not everyone grew up warm and safe in a house with a yard and a loving family. As a child, I just assumed that my reality was also everyone else's.

My latest thoughts have been related to "trials" or "bumps in the road" of life. Into my teen and young adult years, I think that I believed that through careful planning, life could really turn out EXACTLY the way I wanted. Unhappy circumstances and unexpected results were met with frustration and a feeling of unfairness. It was as though I expected that certain things should happen just because I wanted them to.

Not necessarily on every level - I knew to expect many small disappointments that were inevitable. But when certain, larger trials came my way, I responded with shock and disbelief. I couldn't believe that these things were happening to ME. These are things that happen to OTHER people, not ME.

As I have gone through significant and insignificant personal trials over the past years, and as I have watched others - some that I know and some that I don't know - experience significant pain, heartache, and disappointment, I have started to understand and realize...in a deeper way than before...that suffering and disappointment is truly inevitable in this life - for everyone. No one is spared.

In fact, the only thing certain in life is that WE are not in control.

As Jeff's graduation nears, I worry about selling our house and finding a job. I've tried so hard to budget out our money to last us until that day. But lately I have been thinking about all of the uncertainties in life. Of the disappointments that my parents and friends have experienced in trying to sell their homes or find jobs after graduation. As I look to the future, I worry about Nathan staying healthy and living a righteous life. I worry about future pregnancies and future children. I worry about Jeff's health and my own. And I realize, that there is only so much I can do. After that, I am not in control of what happens. I can have desperate, heartfelt desires, but at some point, it is out of my hands.

THAT, is certain.

Although this could be seen as a pessimistic, negative way to view the world, I have great hope in knowing that although I am not in control, SOMEONE else is.

Although my current perspective is such that I would love to have a quiet and comfortable life, with a large, perpetually healthy family, and a husband with a forever stable job, deep down, I know that it is very unlikely. There WILL be hiccups in this "vision" of mine. Things will happen that I won't understand and that I won't WANT to have happen. But that doesn't mean that there isn't SOMEONE watching out for me and my family.

In fact, the opposite is true.

I KNOW that God is in control. I KNOW that his perspective is far greater than mine. I KNOW that even with the expanding perspective I am gaining as I go through life, my perspective is still SO relatively narrow.

In D&C 122:7, the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith, "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. "

Sometimes I can look back at trials and feel that those words are right on. But it is much harder when you are in the middle of things. It is much harder when you are still smarting from the way the trial blindsided you. Or when you are still trying to find your footing in a situation that seems dark and hopeless.

Lately I have been feeling that my life will soon be disrupted by another significant trial. I don't know what it will be. I don't know when. I don't know if it is a specific prompting, or just an increased understanding that God "sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust" [Matt 5:45]. But I do believe that things will not always go the way that I, in my limited understanding, think that they should.

I find comfort in knowing that God IS there. That he sees and understands things that I cannot yet comprehend. That His perspective is far greater than mine and extends beyond this lifetime.

And really, I am grateful that, due to my limited perspective, I am not the one in control. And I am even MORE grateful that HE is.

Gratitude

2009-09-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

It is SO easy to look around at our lives and notice all of the things that we don't have or that are hard. And yet, it doesn't really take that much creativity to realize how truly blessed we are. This morning was one of those random days where I thought about how one LITTLE thing was such a blessing. I think if I spent more time focusing on blessings of this level, I would be a lot less likely to complain when I feel like life is unfair!

As I opened my eyes this morning, I thought about how lucky we are to live in a day and age where we can have glasses, contacts, and/or lasik eye surgery. I can only imagine how different life would be for so many people if we didn't have those things. My eyes aren't terrible, but I can't drive without corrective lenses and they definitely help me see things in the distance. Think of all of the productive people out there who would potentially be handicapped if they weren't able to use eye correction. What's even stranger is that in some countries, it is still a problem. Next time I feel like complaining about the piles of laundry, the pieces of food strewn around the kitchen, an upset baby that begs for my attention or whatever it is, I want to remember how blessed I am to be able to SEE those things.

There is a new country song by Brad Paisley that I really like. Here is part of it that is applicable to this post:

When I was ten years old,
I remember thinkin' how cool it would be,
When we were goin' on an eight hour drive,
If I could just watch T.V.

And I'd have given anything
To have my own PacMan game at home.
I used to have to get a ride down to the arcade;
Now I've got it on my phone.

He-e-ey...
Glory glory hallelujah.
Welcome to the fugure.

My grandpa was in World Ward II,
He fought agains the Japanese.
He wrote a hundred letters to my grandma;
Mailed em from his base in the Philippines.

I wish they could see this now,
Where they say this change can go.
Cause I was on a video chat this morning
With a company in Tokyo.

He-e-ey...
Everyday is a revolution.
Welcome to the future.

I was listening to an old devotional earlier this week and one of the quotes that stuck out went something like this, "Happy people appreciate their blessings. Unhappy people complain about theirs." So much of life depends on our outlook and attitude. We can complain that we have to wear annoying glasses or we can appreciate the fact that they help us see. We can complain that we don't have cell phone reception or we can be grateful that most of the time our friends and family are just a simple call away.

We are so blessed - in more ways than just these somewhat superficial ways I have pointed out. Now if only it were easier to ALWAYS remember that. :)

Harry Potter

2009-09-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

When Harry Potter first became HUGE, I wasn't really interested. My parents and many of my siblings became big fans though and I can still hear the voice that reads the Harry Potter books on tape that was often playing at my parent's house. My little brother, Kevin, even dressed up as Harry Potter one year for Halloween (and he sure looked the part!). I finally decided to give the books a chance one summer in college and although I made it through the first one, I could never really get through the beginning of the second book. I have watched all of the movies so far and enjoy the story line and even read the last two chapters of the last book when it came out (terrible, I know.) I've just never got into the books.

Until now.

Flash forward eight years or so from the last time I tried to read them. A week or so ago when I went to the library, I looked at the shelves where my "typical" books are and decided that I wanted to try a new author. Harry Potter came to mind and I tried to remember the name of the author, but couldn't (scandalous, I know). Luckily, the Harry Potter books have THEIR OWN bookcase in the Children's area, so I found them rather easily. I checked out the first one and decided to start reading it. It didn't take me long to finish and a few days later, I checked out the second book as well, which I am also done with. I have really enjoyed the books this time around and am especially excited because this means that I have thousands and thousands of pages ahead of me before I am officially "done" with the storyline. Plus, it is kind of nice to wait until now to read them because all of the books are written AND they aren't hard to find in the library since most people have read them by now.

I'm definitely impressed with the story and the world that J.K. Rowling has created and can finally agree with all of the people who say, "The books are a lot better than the movies." Although, I still like the movies. For the most part, I feel like the books are mainly enjoyable for entertainment value. However, there are a few short parts in the books where Dumbledore says things that are quite insightful.

In Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (book 1), Harry finds the Mirror of Erised, which shows people, as Dumbledore explains, "...nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts." Harry, who was orphaned as a baby, sees his family standing around him and has spent many hours sitting in front of the mirror, staring at what he sees. But Dumbledore warns him, "...this mirror will give us neither knowledge or truth. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.... It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."

As I have thought about Dumbledore's words, I can't help but consider that perhaps we all have our own Mirrors of Erised. I have many desires and wishes for what I am striving to be like and to have in life. I would love to be more kind, more Christlike, less selfish, more hardworking and dedicated. I would love to have a clean house, a beautifully decorated house, gorgeous skin and hair, a perfect body. I would love to be a perfect mother, a perfect wife, etc. I would love to always say the right thing in the right way. But I can't spend so much time wishing and pining after those desires or feeling discouraged because I fall so short from what my "ideal" is. Dreams are not bad. It can even be motivating to have something to aspire to. But as Dumbledore told Harry, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." I hope that I can more fully enjoy the life I am living NOW, with all of its imperfections. Because this is life - it is all in the living. And moments are so fleeting. Even if I were to somehow attain all of those things that I desire, the moment would be so temporary. Life is made up of daily acts, daily choices. One single moment does not define us. As Dumbledore says in book 2, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, "It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." I would also add, not only far more than our abilities, but also far more than our circumstances. It's our choices. That is the one thing we all have in common. The ability to choose.

Overload

2009-08-31T20:24:00.000-07:00

Technology is bugging be right now.

I keep hearing about campaigns that various states are having to ban texting while driving and have seen way too many depressing videos about it, which is why I think I am on this rant. I don't text at all because we don't have a texting plan and neither Jeff nor I have a desire to get one. I know if we got one, I would quickly become addicted and use it all of the time (except while driving because I think that is insane), which is why I don't really want a plan. Plus, it's really annoying when you are in the room with people and they are ignoring you so they can surf the Internet on their phone or text other friends. Jeff and I also aren't very good at using our cell phones in general. We don't really carry them around with us and they often end up dead in the other room. Don't get me wrong. I love the convenience that cell phones offer, but I kind of hate that people expect to be able to get ahold of you INSTANTLY all of the time. Sometimes I feel like technology (including blogging, which is an obvious addiction for me) sucks up and wastes a lot of our time.

I must admit, I feel a little bit bad for Nathan because he is going to end up with a very "un cool" mom when he is a teenager, but oh well :)

TV, Cable, Movies, Texting, Facebook, Blogging, Internet in general, Cell Phone, Video Games, etc etc. It's like we want to be multi-tasking, doing a bazillion things all at once, all of the time rather than actually stopping and ENJOYING things.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think that all of these things can be good and even necessary (whether for communication or simply so you can get a moment to "unwind") in moderation. But I am just feeling overloaded by all of the "noise" that technology creates. (Ironic since I am writing this on the Internet via my computer...)

Being a mother of a toddler really forces me to slow down, which can be hard at times. With work and school, I got used to multi-tasking: chatting with friends while I studied, surfed the Internet, and listened to music, etc. I used to even be "proud" of it. And sometimes it is hard to have to slow down because I am used to moving through life in a quicker pace.

But right now, with Nathan, life is about the small things. Even when I TRY to get down to his level, I'm still often looking at things on too big of a scale. I think to myself, "Nathan will enjoy a trip to ________." We get there and he doesn't care about whatever it was I thought he would like. Instead, he is fascinated by the shiny metal doors, by the tiny screws that hold the door handles on, the turning fan, a light switch, and even by the colors and patterns on my shirt.

And you know what, really, those things are miraculous.

How often do we let ourselves become so overloaded by distractions and multitasking that we fail to notice the amazing details around us in our lives? For me, the answer is, far to often. This world is an amazing place. Especially the parts of it that don't have an "off" button.

The Climb

2009-08-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

I know that Hannah Montana is all the rage with "tweens," but I must admit I'm not addicted to her like all of those young girls are. However, I really do love the new Miley Cyrus song, "The Climb." You can listen to it on youtube, here. Not only do I really like the melody, I absolutely love the lyrics:

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

There are always going to be difficulties, trials, and challenges in life. There are always going to be times when things don't go the way we want to or according to our plans. And, once we "get through" a certain trial or learn to accept it, it doesn't mean that our lives are going to be smooth sailing from them on. I love how the words say, "There's always going to be another mountain." In some ways, that could be seen as depressing, but it's the truth. Perhaps the sooner we come to accept that this life will never be "perfect," the sooner we can start to really be content. But, like she sings, "I'm always gonna wanna make it move." I think that is human nature. I don't think any of us actually LOVE the hiccups along the way. At least, I don't. Maybe in retrospect, I appreciate them because of what I learn, but I can't say that I am exactly "fond" of them. ;)

I also love that the part that says, "Doesn't matter how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb." Really, we spend the majority of our time in life, "climbing." Sometimes we see life as a set of events: get a degree, get married, have a baby. But the actually moment of the event is so incredibly brief. And the real value seems to be in the "climb." The value that my college degrees hold are truly from what I learned through my college experience and how I have applied that later in my life or how it has made me who I am. The "accomplishment" of marriage is not in the actual ceremony, but in making a life and home together. It's in learning to sacrifice, to compromise, to serve, and to love someone else. Giving birth doesn't automatically make you a good parent. Parenting comes in the daily moments. The time spent truly loving, teaching, and caring for someone else. That is also when the sometimes uncomfortable personal learning and growth come in. You start to learn patience and selflessness, among other things. It really is an uphill battle, especially some days. But that is what life is all about. The climb. The actual time spent living.

Lately I've had a few really tough days with Nathan. Sometimes parenting can just be completely exhausting. But "nothing is as constant as change." Even the moments that seem to drag on and SEEM never ending, aren't. I just need to work to accept that this is my "current" normal. But within a matter of weeks, months, things will change and I'll have a "new normal."

Nothing is permanent.

I am "climbing."

And there are some great views along the way...

Getting Rid of the Stuff We Don't Really Need

2009-08-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

I feel this way sometimes.

We live in a culture of more more more, now now now. But I feel like most of us could live on less and we have SO much to be grateful for. I for one would love to cut back, clean out, and simplify my life.

Will They Ever Know?

2009-07-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

Will our children ever know just how much we love them?

Will they know the countless interrupted nights we spent soothing them?

Will they know the meals we made for them? The number of diapers we changed?

Will they know the amount of tears that we wiped away from their eyes?

Will they know the hours we spent rocking them, reading to them, singing to them?

Will they know the never ending kisses we gave them? The hugs we shared?

Will they remember the lessons we taught them? The skills we helped them learn?

Will they know the time we spent with them? The activities we gave up? The sleep we missed out on? The priorities we shifted because of them? The sacrifices we made?

Will they know how they changed our life...for the better?

Will they ever know?

Tomorrow, my baby turns one year old. I sure do love him. The majority of my day is spent taking care of him, serving him, loving him. And yet, he won't remember anything about this year, only I will. Will he ever know? Years from now, he will not remember...how will he know how deep my love for him is?

Maybe when he, too, becomes a parent. Perhaps now I am starting to know what my mother means when she says, "You'll always be my baby..."

The Beauty of Yellowstone

2009-07-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of July, my family took a trip to Yellowstone. This was the first time I have ever been there and I had an amazing time. I love the outdoors and was pretty much in heaven. I was absolutely in awe of the natural beauty of Idaho, Wyoming, and Montana.

At one point, while we were driving through the park, my husband and I started talking about how beautiful Yellowstone is. Yellowstone is actually a large volcano, with a violent past and a continuing series of geyser eruptions, earthquakes, hot pots, and other extreme geological features. My husband had a thought come to him about how it is often in the severest of conditions that you find the most beautiful scenery. It's almost as though all of the erosion, fire, heat, etc. are required to diversify and even beautify the landscape. Perhaps life is the same way with us. It is through our trials, our difficulties, our life-changing "earthquakes," that our very souls are beautified and purified.

President James E. Faust taught, "The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength."

Bodies

2009-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

I started this post MONTHS ago, but decided to finally finish it up...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about our physical bodies. Recently there have been several things have helped change my thinking about the roles our bodies play and what our responsibilities are. Pregnancy and the birth of a new child caused me to feel amazement and wonderment and what the human body is capable of. Watching Nathan learn to use his body has helped me look at the purpose of bodies in a new way. And lastly, dealing with my own health issues for the first time helped me realize how important my body and health are to me.

I feel like the media has really played a roll in skewing how we (or I should say, I) view my body. Probably since I entered adolescence, I have been obsessed with my body image. As a young teenager, I remember filling my wall with articles and images from magazines about exercising. I remember time spent in my room working out. I remember jogs and body conditioning classes. I'm sad to say that my motivation for all of these things was to "look good" and to be "toned" and "skinny." When I was in Junior High, I remember reading one of my dad's weight loss books and trying to change my eating habits. I remember often thinking I was "fat." I look back at those pictures now and I am in shock with how NOT fat I was. I look almost like a little skeleton!

And yet, I have never really been satisfied with my body. I'd see this pinch of fat there, a gray hair there... I was never toned enough, fit enough, thin enough... And yet, when I looked back at pictures, I looked perfectly fine. And I would long for those days. I would tell myself that I looked so great back then, but I didn't appreciate it. But surely, surely if I looked like that again, I would. But I'd look at my current body and see all of the things that didn't look just the way I wanted.

Even as I started my pregnancy, I remember really trying to watch what I ate. I wasn't motivated by health. I was motivated by concern that I would get "fat." I wasn't sure I could like myself if I was "fat." I knew it was normal for a woman to gain 25 - 35 pounds during pregnancy and I was hoping to gain only 25. I was worried about losing weight after I had the baby. How could Jeff ever find me attractive if I had extra weight? How could I like myself?

And then, about 25 weeks into my pregnancy, I ended up in the ER with a blood clot. And suddenly it didn't matter how much I weighed or how "fat" I thought I was. I had a blood clot! And suddenly I realized my own mortality. I still remember how I felt when I found out. I had noticed some major discoloration and swelling on my left leg the night before. It really freaked me out. I looked online and was really worried that it was something major. I didn't even want to call my mom because I knew what she would say and I didn't want to go to the ER in the middle of the night. I was just so tired and so Jeff and I decided just to wait it out for the night.

When I woke up, the discoloration was gone and I was relieved. Then I walked across the room to the bathroom to wash my face. And when I looked down, it was once again, suddenly swollen and purple and pink. Needless to say, I went to the ER. It was a Saturday and so I had to wait forever for an on call doctor to come to the hospital to read the results of my venous Doppler. In the meantime Jeff and I watched most of the three Lord of the Ring movies on TV (yes, it was a LONG time). Jeff was stuck in a hard chair and I was in a very uncomfortable cot. I kept getting up to do the pregnancy hobble to the bathroom. At one point, I came back and Jeff said that the doctor had stopped by. I asked what the doctor had said and Jeff said the the doctor said that I had a blood clot. I thought Jeff was joking. You see, I don't get sick. I don't get blood clots. That happens to OTHER people. But Jeff wasn't joking. And I started crying. And when the doctor came back to talk to me, I just cried and cried. I blame it on pregnancy.

I cried a lot off and on those three or four days in the hospital. This wasn't supposed to be happening to me! I was so uncomfortable. I was confined to a bed. It hurt to get out of the bed to go to the bathroom. I was alone and scared. I didn't know what was going to happen. I couldn't understand what the doctors were saying. I couldn't get comfortable. But it wasn't until I finally got home (confined to bed rest for a few weeks for my own safety) that it really hit me that I could die. Or that my baby could die. It was a scary feeling. I wanted this baby so badly. I wanted to raise my son. It wasn't fair. None of it was fair.

I had that feeling a lot over the next few months as I dealt with multiple physical challenges and pain. I felt like it would never end. There was always something new going wrong. As Jeff will attest, I don't do "sick" well. When I physically don't feel well, it seeps into every part of me. I have a hard time focusing on anything else. I remember that above anything, I did NOT want a C-section. I didn't think I could handle it. I was hoping beyond hope that I wouldn't need one. But, I did.

I still remember how I felt when I was in the hospital when Nathan was born. The first few days recovering from a C-section are difficult. For the first 24 hours or so, I couldn't leave the bed. Slowly, I was allowed to try to do more and more. Walking was excruciating, but I had to keep pushing myself. It was rough and painful, but at that point, I don't think I really thought much of it. I was just so happy to be a mom. I was so happy to hold my baby and so happy that my complicated pregnancy was over. I couldn't wait to feel good again and I was starting to little by little.

It was while I was still in the hospital that I noticed a little bit of bruising below my incision. The doctors checked it every day though, so I didn't say anything. Surely if it was bad, they would say something. When I got home, I noticed that it was getting worse. Finally, I told my mom because I knew that it probably wasn't good. I went to see my doctor hoping for the best, but fearing the worst. I was so scared that they would have to do another surgery. I was afraid I had a hematoma and I wasn't sure how they would fix it. My mom (who is a RN) thought that, worse case scenario, they would take me to the hospital and re-open my incision. I did not want that to happen. Of all things, I did not.

Well, it didn't. Instead what happened was worse. The doctor opened me up right there in her office. As I lay on the table, I thought that she was opening my incision, but I was sure I was just overreacting and imagining things. But I wasn't. I didn't understand how surgeries and incisions work and I was afraid that if I was reopened, things would gush out or that I would be open all the way into my insides. Luckily, it doesn't work that way. When the doctor left the room, my mom, still in shock at the experience, confirmed my fears. I just started to cry. And once again, crying became a theme (I blame it on post delivery hormones). I remember later that night I was eating dinner with Jeff, my sister, and my mom and I just broke down in tears. I remember the looks on their faces as they stared at me.

And then, I started to adjust to it. I got used to the morning and night wound packing. I hated knowing it was time for the dressing to be pulled out of my wound and repacked, but once it was over, I could breath a sigh of relief for another 12 hours. Showers were difficult, but not impossible. And then, after a few days, the home health nurse noticed that there were some blood clots deep within the wound. I knew something was wrong when she pulled the dressing out and said something like, "uh oh." I was laying on my couch while she and my mother peered and prodded into the gaping hole of my recovering C-section. This time, I don't think there were tears. I was too numb. All I could think was, "Please no. No another problem!" But in my heart, I knew something was wrong.

I ended up heading to the Wound Care Clinic at the hospital. Since my wound wasn't healing correctly, I became their patient. The first visit was one of the worsts. Three or four nurses surrounded me, along with a doctor, and my mother. The nurses took turns poking wooden sticks into my wound and scraping out the clots. They opened the incision even more and stuck instruments down into the sides to see how deep/long it was. I stared at the ceiling and tried desperately to find my "happy place."

Once my incision was cleaned out and repacked, I was told that I would need a special Wound VAC to help keep the wound dry and assist my body in healing itself. Three times a week I made the trek to the hospital where they would pull out my old sponge, clean the wound, and put a new one in. I was then taped shut to form a seal and carried my vacuum around with me at ALL times for nearly a month, while the vacuum sucked away. The changing of the wound VAC was uncomfortable and sometimes painful. After my first visit to "install" it, I told myself, "If I NEVER have to go through that again, I would be beyond happy." The wound VAC itself was uncomfortable and extremely annoying. But it worked.

Now, almost a year after the birth of my baby, I am doing fine. My amazing body has healed itself. I still have damage to my veins from my blood clot. I still have a scar from my C-section. But when I consider what my body went through, it's amazing to consider where I am now. I have never appreciated my body more. And yet, how easy it is to forget the lessons that I learned. How easy it is to look in the mirror and fixate upon my blemishes and pinches of skin.

Why can't I do more to realize the amazing wonder of the human body. I am still working on it. But every time I look at my son and consider that he was created within me, I am amazed. And every time I look at how much my son has grown and changed over the past several months, I am amazed. Our bodies are incredible gifts. How often do we just let them "waste" away while we browse, silently, on the Internet or veg out in front of the TV?

I want to do better. I want to take care of my body. I want to appreciate it while I still can. What an amazing gift a body is... And we have a responsibility to take care of it.

SAHM

2009-06-19T18:47:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about how glad I am that I quit my job to stay home with Nathan. It was an extremely difficult decision for me. Harder than I ever expected. And the struggle involved with it had very little to do with money. Money can be a necessity in life, but I feel like you can still live a happy, fulfilling life on a small, but adequate, paycheck. Instead of money, I worried about other things. I wondered if I would be fulfilled. I wondered how I would feel worth. I wondered what other people would think. I wondered if I would feel like I was wasting my education, my experience, my reputation - everything I had worked so hard at for so many years.

As I consider how quickly my son has changed over the past 11 months and how busy life is, I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to spend as much time with him as I do. Yesterday while I was sitting on the floor folding laundry, he crawled over to me and climbed into my lap. I realized that laundry could wait. As I think back to the months I worked part-time after I had Nathan, I remember various times I was trying to work on projects from home and Nathan would be fussing or trying to get my attention. I felt like my work projects couldn't wait. I would get frustrated with Nathan and it was hard to get anything accomplished. I'm not going to lie and say that it is EASY to get things accomplished now because it is hard to get things done. But I am ok with that. I am able to focus more on the learning and development of my son. I am able to watch as he learns new skills. I get to see what makes him laugh. I get to watch his personality unravel. And, in that way, I am productive.

I've temporarily given up my life as a CPA, but I've gained so much more. I have more time to make sure my family eats healthy, home-cooked meals (even if that means I start working on dinner at 2pm because I know I'll have a million interruptions). I have time to get outside - to go on walks, to spend time at the park, to meet other mothers. I am more available to help people who need it. This doesn't mean that I have a plethora of time because I really don't feel like I do. And I realize that as I add more children to my family, and as those children grow up, life will only become more hectic. But even still, I feel like I am living more now than I ever did when I was working 12 hour days behind a computer. I feel like I'm actually doing something that matters. I'm learning new skills. I'm working on being a homemaker. And you know what? I'm ok with that. What greater job is there?

Sure, being a mom is hard. There are times when I long for sleep or a break more than anything else in the world. Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood, I feel like a martyr. But I think that is how life is. There is opposition in all things. I think the thing I miss the most is structure. My life is at the whim of my child. I can't just tell myself that I am going to do a specific task at a specific time. The more flexible I am, the happier I become. Luckily Jeff is very supportive and doesn't complain if the dishes aren't done or the house is in chaos when he gets home. He knows I work hard taking care of Nathan and I feel appreciated for what I do. Plus, I usually make sure to point out all of the things I did that day ;)

I feel like the change is better for my family, for my marriage. I am able to take care of certain things so that Jeff doesn't have to. Of course it still feels like there are a million things that need to be taken care of when he gets home, but at least I can lighten the load. I no longer have that extra worry or concern about a client or project. No more late night emails after Nathan is in bed. Right now, my job is my family. It isn't easy. It can be tedious. It can be monotonous. It can be a lot of work. It can be frustrating. But overall, I love it! For me, it has been a great choice.

I sure do love my little boy!

Just Thinking

2009-06-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately.

In some ways, I think quitting my job and cutting back on the busyness of always being mentally engaged in a project or task has given me more time to think, ponder, and learn. There are certain times in my life when I am amazed at the way that my perspectives change. As I, or others I know, pass through trials, I begin to look at life in a new way. As my stage in life changes, my perspective changes right along with it.

I am often amazed at how much more I understand or know than I did when I was a child, a teenager, or even a college student. I wonder how much more my perspective will continue to change over the years. I am only 26 and have a lot of life ahead of me.

I was recently released as a counselor in the Relief Society (women's organization) at my church. Within a few weeks, I was asked to serve as the Compassionate Service Leader in the Relief Society. Although the responsibilities are different in these positions, both are founded on a love for the women in our congregation, which includes identifying their unique needs and serving one another. Through my service in these callings, as well as my interactions with friends, family, and my own experiences, my perspectives and understanding about life have changed.

I've come to realize that no matter our situation in life, we all deal with adversity, challenges, and temptation. Sometimes trials are public and obvious to the whole world. Sometimes they are obvious only to our close friends and families. And sometimes, they are secret - known only to ourselves and God. Some are of our own making. Some are as a result of the agency of others. And some just seem to come with no explanation. At a glance, some specific trials can seem so much worse than others. Something that is difficult to a child may seem so inconsequential when compared to what an adult may be going through. But we are all at different stages in our lives. We will all experience different struggles. And they are all very real. I wish that people, myself included, reached out to each other more. Sometimes we become so self focused that we don't take the time to extend an arm for someone else to lean on. I wish we spent less time judging and more time supporting. Sometimes we really have no idea what someone else, even those closest to us, is going through.

It's easy to sometimes look at those around us and assume that their life is a certain way, good or bad. But the truth is, we only interact with them for a moment. We don't see the entire picture. People can change, can learn, can grow. We all have our good days and our bad. Our lives aren't defined by a single snapshot in time, but by a collection of our experiences and choices.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately.

Prioritize & Simplify

2009-05-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my priorities. I have asked myself, "What is my ultimate destination?" "Where do I want to be a year from now? Five years from now?" "Am I doing things that will get me where I'd like to be or help me become the person would like to be?" "If not, what changes can I make in my life?"

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, "Our priorities are most visible in how we use our time. Someone has said, "Three things never come back—the spent arrow, the spoken word, and the lost opportunity." We cannot recycle or save the time allotted to us each day. With time, we have only one opportunity for choice, and then it is gone forever."

I've been thinking a lot about "time." Time is so precious and yet, it is easy to "waste" it surfing around on the Internet, watching movies, TV, etc. Not that those things in and of themselves are bad, but anything taken to excess can become a stumbling block in the path to becoming who we want to be. In addition, there are "good" things that we can spend our time on that can also distract us from what is really important to us. We live in an era when there is SO much available to us. But do we really use these things to our advantage?

In the April 2001 General Conference, Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught, "Because of modern technology, the contents of huge libraries and other data resources are at the fingertips of many of us. Some choose to spend countless hours in unfocused surfing the Internet, watching trivial television, or scanning other avalanches of information. But to what purpose? Those who engage in such activities are...hurrying to and fro, hauling more and more but failing to grasp the essential truth that we cannot make a profit from our efforts until we understand the true value of what is already within our grasp. We have thousands of times more available information than Thomas Jefferson or Abraham Lincoln. Yet which of us would think ourselves a thousand times more educated or more serviceable to our fellowmen than they? The sublime quality of what these two men gave to us—including the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address—was not attributable to their great resources of information, for their libraries were comparatively small by our standards. Theirs was the wise and inspired use of a limited amount of information.... Faced with an excess of information in the marvelous resources we have been given, we must begin with focus or we are likely to become like those in the well-known prophecy about people in the last days—"ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth" (2 Tim. 3:7). We also need quiet time and prayerful pondering as we seek to develop information into knowledge and mature knowledge into wisdom."

As I look around my house, I'm amazed at how much "stuff" I have. Some of which I rarely if ever use. And yet, isn't it easy to constantly want more? I'm also amazed at how quickly my email in-box is filled with more and more information. I subscribe to emails with information about babies - month by month, week by week and am quickly bombarded with more information that I can ever possibly sort through. In addition, weekly ads fill up my mailbox and quickly pile up around the house since I "may" someday need one of the coupons.

As I look around me, it is apparent that the excess in my home and life have become distracting and, quite frankly, out of control. One of my new focuses and priorities is going to be to simplify. I want to simplify my life. I want to simplify my closet. I want to simplify my day. I anticipate that as I simplify, I will actually end up with abundance - an abundance of time that once seemed lost, an abundance of learning new skills, and an abundance of contentment with the things I have been blessed with.

Ramblings...

2009-04-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a while.

Sometimes I wonder why it is so much harder for me to blog on THIS blog than my OTHER blogs. Is it because I have no deep thoughts? Well, with a 9 month old, that COULD be the case... But really, I think it just takes more work to post about something thought provoking. Posting about Nathan crawling or spitting up is much quicker and uses less brain power. Plus, Nathan's cute. And it's FUN to post cute.

But...

When I read back through my blog posts years from now, I want to remember and know a little bit about ME and my thoughts. I kept a journal pretty regularly in high school and so it's easy to find out my thoughts from back then. And quite frankly, I'm not sure I WANT to remember those thoughts. But at least it gives me a little insight into the former ME and shows me how far I have come and how much I have learned since then.

A few weeks ago, my church held General Conference, which I love. There were so many great messages that really buoyed me up and inspired me to be a little better. One of my favorite messages was from Elder Holland. It was probably the most powerful testimony I have ever heard of the Savior and a great Easter message. Really, a great anytime message.

However, some of the things that really stuck out from me at Conference seemed to be directed to all of us struggling and worrying during these uncertain economic times. President Monson said, "Since last we met together in a general conference six months ago, there have been continuing signs that circumstances in the world aren’t necessarily as we would wish. The global economy, which six months ago appeared to be sagging, seems to have taken a nosedive, and for many weeks now the financial outlook has been somewhat grim. In addition, the moral footings of society continue to slip, while those who attempt to safeguard those footings are often ridiculed and, at times, picketed and persecuted. Wars, natural disasters, and personal misfortunes continue to occur.

It would be easy to become discouraged and cynical about the future—or even fearful of what might come—if we allowed ourselves to dwell only on that which is wrong in the world and in our lives. Today, however, I’d like us to turn our thoughts and our attitudes away from the troubles around us and to focus instead on our blessings as members of the Church. The Apostle Paul declared, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." [2nd Timothy 1:7]

This is something I have really tried to continually remind myself. I must admit it is easier to be positive and focus on blessings when things are going well. But even when things AREN'T going well, there is so much to be grateful for. When I really stop and consider all of the blessings in my life, even the seemingly small ones, I am overcome with so much awe and gratitude for God. I often wonder why so many people are constantly wanting "more, more, more" when there is already so much that we have available, but don't recognize. I think it kind of goes hand in hand with longing for the next stage in life, rather than enjoying the blessings of the moment. Sure, I won't MISS changing diapers or having a constantly messy house thanks to my son who gets into EVERYTHING, but I do enjoy the sweet smiles, his babbling, and having him in my home and family. In any given moment, there is just so much to be grateful for and some things are so fleeting - I don't want to always make the mistake of not realizing their value until they are gone.

I also want to focus more on doing things that really matter and bring true happiness. It is so easy to waste the day away and look back, wondering what I accomplished. Elder Hales quoted the scripture that says, "Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted." [2 Nephi 9:51]

I want to spend more time one on one with my baby and husband. I want to spend more time serving others. I want to spend more time studying the gospel. And you know what, all of these things don't involve getting more "stuff." The only thing they really involve is time, and time is SO limited. I really want to focus on using my time more wisely and making the most of each moment. There is so much to be happy about, so much to enjoy.

President Uchtdorf gave a great talk during the Priesthood Session where he talked about our "tendency to focus on the insignificant at the expense of the profound..." He was specifically speaking to Priesthood holders, but it can apply to all of us as well. He told a story about a plane that crashed because the flight crew was so concerned with trying to figure out why one of the lights hadn't properly illuminated that they didn't notice that the plane was gradually descending into a swamp. He then pointed out that we all "know" the importance of focusing on what matters most, but "Our weakness is in failing to align our actions with our conscience."

He continued, "Pause for a moment and check where your own heart and thoughts are. Are you focused on the things that matter most? How you spend your quiet time may provide a valuable clue. Where do your thoughts go when the pressure of deadlines is gone? Are your thoughts and heart focused on those short-lived fleeting things that matter only in the moment, or on things that matter most?

What grudges do you bear? What excuses do you cling to that keep you from being the kind of [person] you know you should be? What are the things that distract you from your duties or hinder you from magnifying your calling more diligently?"

I know that I have a lot (and I mean A LOT) to work on, but I hope that I can make little changes each day to live each day fuller and more meaningful. And hopefully, over time, I'll become more like the woman that I really want to be.

But of course, sometimes you just need to stop, and enjoy what is cute.

Acceptance

2009-04-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Lest you think I spend my days at home with my child watching TV and blogging, I don't. (Well, maybe the blogging part is true). However, I do occasionally flip on Oprah while I fold laundry or work on the kitchen and then, if the topic is interesting, I tend to continue watching.

On Tuesday I turned on the TV about half way through Oprah and Michael J. Fox was on talking about his battle with Parkinson's disease. His physical struggles were apparent as his body moved awkwardly and jerked around while he spoke, but I was incredibly impressed by his outlook on life and what he had to say. It really got me thinking. He was promoting his new book, Always Looking Up, which I'm thinking I may need to check out at the library one of these days.

I think I really enjoyed some of the things he said because of the physical challenges I had to endure through my pregnancy and post-partum. I was lucky because I had the opportunity to "get better" for the most part (although I will have some of the underlying issues for the rest of my life). But going through what I did really helped give me a new outlook and appreciation for life and health in general. I can honestly say that I am glad that I had those experiences (which of course doesn't mean I'm not INCREDIBLY glad that they are over!)

Michael talked about how difficult it was to be diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and how difficult it is as it gets worse and worse each year, but he also talked about how grateful he was for the ways his life has changed for the better. He talked about how often when we are in a situation where things aren't going the way we want we are also able to meet people we wouldnt' normally meet and do things we wouldn't normally do. He gave an example, "If I'm sitting watching TV or something, and my kids come and want to show me something or want to ask me something, I just made up my mind that there's nothing that I'm doing at any time that's more important than that. I don't know that I would think that way before this happened." He's learned that each moment is a gift and what really matters.

Another part that really stuck out to me was when he said, "Somebody said to me one time that happiness grows in direct proportion to your acceptance and in inverse proportion to your expectations."

I feel like this is so true. We all experience "trials." There are times in our lives where things aren't going to go the way that we "planned." In fact, I would say that happens more often than not. Acceptance of the hand that we have been dealt and what God's plan is for us enables us to live our life and be happy. That doesn't mean there aren't going to be times when we stop and think, "This isn't fair, this really sucks!" And there are going to be times when we just have to stop and cry. It also doesn't mean that we just sit around and do nothing. But accepting that we aren't the ones in control and turning ourselves over to God's will can be an enabling force in life. And through the experiences that we pass through, we can later recognize the things we were able to do, the people we were able to meet, and the things we were able to learn that we wouldn't have otherwise.

More Matters

2009-03-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was our Enrichment night at church. We had a "Spa Night" with mini classes about nutrition, exercise, and massage. One of the themes that was constantly repeated that night was the idea that "more matters." Sometimes it gets overwhelming when we sit down and really start to think about all of the many, many things we have to do or SHOULD do to be physically fit, eat healthy, be better mothers, be better wives, be better employees, increase our spirituality, etc. We are all so imperfect that there will ALWAYS be a million things that we could do to improve. But we don't have to and CAN'T make all of those changes at once. And if we try to or think that we need to, we tend to get overwhelmed (at least I do) and just shut down (or drown our sorrows in a pint of ice cream). But really, even if we aren't eating 5 vegetables a day, if we are eating just ONE vegetable more a day, that will help our bodies. Even if we aren't doing cardio for 30 minutes a day 3 days a week, but we are walking 20 more minutes, that will help. It's really just deciding to do a little bit more that will slowly help improve our lives and help us get that much closer to who we want to be.

As President Hinckley often said, "Let us all try to stand a little taller, rise a little higher, be a little better. Make the extra effort. You will be happier. You will know a new satisfaction, a new gladness in your heart."

I think I am going to let that be my little mantra for the next little while..."Be a little better. More matters."

Everything's Amazing Right Now And Nobody's Happy

2009-02-26T18:38:00.000-08:00

This clip is really funny and worth watching. Great perspective.

Louis CK - "Everything's Amazing, Nobody's Happy

Unfortunately I can't embed it, but you should definitely check it out!

Some of my favorite lines:

"And then when you ran out of money, you just go, 'well, I can't do anymore things now...' "

"Give it a second!!! It's going to space! Give it a second to get back from space!!"

"Did you fly through the air incredibly like a bird?! Did you partake in the MIRACLE of human flight?! YOU'RE FLYING!!! IT'S AMAZING! Everybody on every plane should just be constantly going, 'Oh my gosh!! Wow!!!' You are sitting in a chair, in the SKY!!"

"Delays really?! New York to California in 5 hours. That used to take THIRTY YEARS. And a bunch of you would die on the way there and have a baby. You'd be with a whole different group of people by the time you got there!"

Today is a Perfect Day

2009-02-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight I found a beautiful post on one of my friends' blogs about how she thought she was having a hard day until she read this blog about a family whose 10 month old was diagnosed with cancer and died less than 4 weeks later. Then she realized that it was really a perfect day because she could hold her baby and watch him sleep and all of those other things we start to take for granted. I don't know why my Mishi's Musings blog always ends up being depressing by the way, but oh well.

I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to lose a child. They are so sweet, so innocent, so tender, so full of life. Yes, being a mother is hard. But the love and joy you feel for your child is amazing. I can't imagine how empty life would feel without my Nathan. That being said, I feel like I need to point out that today is a perfect day. I am so blessed in my life, especially to have Jeff and Nathan...

As I skimmed through the blog above, I couldn't help but think how grateful I am that I am the one that has the health issues. It's so much easier for me to deal with the pain and fear of my own health problems than it would be to watch my sweet baby deal with them. I have a better understanding of what is going on than Nathan would. It is easier to deal with my own pain. Even as I worry right now about some potential health issues in my life, I find gratitude that both my husband and baby are happy and healthy.

Yes, today is a perfect day.

Raising A Child

2009-02-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went to a mothering class that was hosted by some women at my church. The woman that taught the class has a Master of Science degree in Early Childhood Development and has taught at the University level for the past 25 years. She was a very dynamic teacher and did an excellent job. She basically asked us what we wanted to hear about and then talked briefly about each subject and answered questions.

One thing that really struck me is how tender and innocent babies and children are. She made a comment about how sometimes we get frustrated with our kids for not behaving a certain way (especially toddlers), but it is often because we are wanting them to act much older than they are. She helped me to start to see things from a different perspective. When they are young, babies don't understand the emotions or feelings that they have and they are easily overwhelmed by the world around them. They need US to help them learn how to adjust to living! It just really struck me how important my role as a mother is and that my responsibility is to do more than just keep Nathan alive (although that is important too), but I am here to help him learn about the world around him and himself. She also talked about how irreplaceable mothers are to their babies and how children's understanding of trust is formed from the very first relationships they have with their parents and how important it is to nurture that trust.

As she was talking, I kept thinking about the kind of mother I want to be for Nathan. I want to do better than I have been. I want to help him to learn and grow and to find our home as a place of refuge and safety. A few times I almost felt tears come to my eyes as I thought about how much love I have for my little guy. Yes, it is hard to be a mother. Yes, sometimes I get tired or frustrated or wish that I had more time for me. But, he is the greatest gift that God has ever given me. And I want to do the best I can to take care of him.

I sure do love him.

Blessings

2009-02-06T19:46:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about blessings. I feel very blessed in my life. But it isn't just the obvious blessings I have been thinking about: my husband, my son, my home, my job, my health, our financial security and stability...

I have also been thinking about simple blessings that so many of us take for granted every day. Last night when I took a hot shower, I couldn't help but think how wonderful it was and how lucky I was to be able to have one every day. Sure, I remembered when I was on bed rest and wasn't allowed to stand up long enough to shower, or when I had an open wound and couldn't shower normally for several weeks...but it is even more than that. There are still some countries in the world where a hot shower would be considered a rare luxury. And if you go back a few (or a few hundred) years, hot showers were practically non-existent. And yet, here they are, something we have come to expect without even thinking about it.

Then today when I was driving home for work, I looked at the freeway and all of the cars and realized how lucky we are to have automobiles (including public transit)! Can you imagine life without automobiles?! Then I drove up to my house, with it's fenced yard and front porch. I take for granted the "American dream" and life in the suburbs. Growing up, I just thought that those things were "normal," but for most of the history of the Earth, people didn't have these things!

I truly take for granted that my life comes with certain things. A hot shower, carpet, a sturdy "structure" to live in, cars, books, a mattress!) We have such an abundance of blessings and yet it is SO easy to focus on the "little" things that are out of reach, but that we feel entitled to. We always want MORE MORE MORE, but there is SO SO SO SO much that all of us have and yet don't even realize.

The February 2009 Reader's Digest has a great article about counting your blessings, that I really enjoyed reading. I feel like it would probably be inappropriate for me to re-print it here, but here is a link. I highly recommend reading it. After I read it, I felt so much gratitude for the comforts that I enjoy!

The Grass Is Always Greener...

2009-01-21T19:32:00.001-08:00

I find it amazing how easy it is to long for things to be different.

Right now I am out of town on a business trip. The length of my stay here is up in the air. As usual, the information from the client is a mess and there are a lot of open items and unanswered questions. I miss my baby. I miss my husband. I miss my bed. I miss the warm weather. My back has been hurting me a lot (maybe because I am no longer use to being stuck at a desk for 12 hours at a time...). I generally haven't been feeling very well. I'm miserable. I worry about my baby not having me there. I worry because he has had a hard time getting used to a bottle. I'm sick of pumping in bathroom stalls. I worry about my husband not having me there to help out. I've been stressed out trying to find people to watch Nathan during the day and worrying that I am asking too much. It's hard not to wish I could quit right this minute and head home and stay home with Nathan forever. I feel like I don't get paid enough to sacrifice my life like this...

But, I know that I have had days that being a stay at home mom is rough. Days where I long for a break and a day at the office (although probably not a 12 hour day). Days where maybe I wish I had more ME time. Days where I long to use my mind and put my education to use. Days where I long for a full night's sleep.

Sometimes it is easy to look back at life and see everything with rose-colored glasses, full of nostalgia. Even in my blogging, I sometimes tend to tone things down and only focus on the positive aspects (even during rough times). I tend to be an optimist (although I have my pessimist days...), but I need to let myself realize that that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be tired or stressed or unhappy or downright miserable every once in a while. In fact, I think it is those hard days that help me recognize the good times even more.

I hope that I can remember the tough times. But I also hope that I can always enjoy and appreciate the great times.

I also know that change can be difficult. When I first became a mother, I had some days where I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Days where I suddenly look at other mothers in awe and couldn't imagine how they could have been living like this for so long. And then, I got used to it. And I had days where life suddenly felt normal. Even wonderful. So now, as I start back to work, I suppose it is to be expected that I have days where I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Days where I suddenly look at other working mothers and wonder how they could have been living like this for so long. Maybe one day, things will start to feel normal. But maybe not wonderful :)

And yet, life is made up of choices. I choose to be a mother. I choose to stay home with him for the first six months of his life. And I choose to come back to work. And, other than being a mother (which I would never want to change), nothing in life is permanent. Over the past several years of my life, I have started to realize how truly fleeting phases in life are. I hope I can choose to enjoy the phase I am in. But it's amazing how easy it is to long for things to be different.

Sometimes

2008-12-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my heart hurts when I think about going back to work in about a month's time. I always thought it would be easier to leave my baby when he is a little bit older, but I'm not so sure anymore. We are in a nice routine. He seems more aware now. I'm not sure how he will handle not having his mommy around 24-7, since that is what he is used to. I'm not sure how I will handle it either. I am glad that Jeff will be able to be with him. I was just looking through some video of him playing in the tub, playing with toys, doing tummy time, etc. I have loved to be with him during the day to build all of these little memories.

Sometimes being a mother can be difficult. Sometimes it feels like I have no time for myself. Like my schedule and time are not my own. Sometimes, my back aches from lifting him, my arms are sore from carrying him, my head hurts from his cries and not knowing what to do... Sometimes I wish that I could "plan" my schedule rather than be susceptible to his. Sometimes I miss my evenings and weekends or at least a few hours where I could do whatever I wanted. But life has so much more meaningful now that he is here. It's amazing how much joy I can find in giving my baby a bath or reading him a story. Even amid all the difficulties and frustrations, life just feels more complete that ever.

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I had lost him or ever did lose him. Today John Walsh's son's murder was solved. As I read the article, tears came to my eyes as I imagined what him and his wife went through losing their precious son. I wonder how I would feel if someone hurt my sweet baby. Sometimes I don't want to let him out of my sight. Sometimes I want to hold on to every minute that I have with him because they are so precious and he is growing up so quickly.

Sometimes I worry about his future. I wonder what he will be like when he grows up. I worry about the problems he will have to deal with, the choices he will make. Sometimes I wonder if I am a good mother and what I could do to be a better one.

But always, always I love him and am glad that he is my son.

One of My Favorite Things...

2008-12-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

...about being a stay-at-home mom is rocking my little one to sleep for his afternoon nap as he falls asleep on my chest and then snuggling with my sweet, sleeping baby for several minutes afterword. Pure bliss.

The Gift of Peace, The Gift of Gratitude

2008-12-09T16:47:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday I was in charge of teaching the lesson in Relief Society (the women's class at my church.) I take turns with the other members of the presidency teaching the first Sunday of each month. Rather than following a set lesson, we come up with lessons and topics on our own, based on the needs of the sisters in the ward. I have known for a while that I would be teaching in December and so over the past few months, I have been trying to decide on a topic. I tried to think about personal experiences that I have had, the situations I know some of the sisters are going through, and to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I had several thoughts going around in my mind and it wasn't until a few days before Sunday that I finally decided what to teach about. It's very difficult because I worry a lot about making sure that the topic is the "right" topic, one that the sisters need to hear. Plus, I am not a natural speaker and so I really have to make sure I have my thoughts in order. At the same time, I wanted to make sure that the Spirit was guiding the lesson and so I really didn't know which quotes or stories I would for sure use until I was in the middle of my lesson. It is always pretty stressful for me and I am always very relieved when my lesson is over. Anyway, I wanted to share some of the thoughts that I presented in my lesson and that I thought about, but didn't share.
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As I was trying to decide what message to share, I knew that I wanted to incorporate Christmas, since it is December. I love this time of year. I love the decorations, the goodies, the lights, the music, the smells, the sounds, the gift wrapping, the gift giving, the feeling, time with family, etc. etc. But there is even more about Christmas that I want to focus on.

President Thomas S. Monson said:

"For a few moments, may we set aside the catalogs of Christmas, with their gifts of exotic description. Let’s even turn from the flowers for Mother, the special tie for Father, the cute doll, the train that whistles, the long-awaited bicycle…and direct our thoughts to those God-given gifts that endure. I have chosen from a long list just four:

1. The gift of birth.
2. The gift of peace.
3. The gift of love.
4. The gift of life eternal.”

The gifts mentioned above are available to all of us around the world. I want to focus my thoughts on the second gift that President Monson mentioned. The gift of peace. Where does this peace come from?

In 2 Nephi 19:6, it reads: "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder; and his name shall be called, Wonderful, Counselor, The Might God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

President Thomas S. Monson said of this gift:

“In the raucous world in which we live, the din of traffic, the blaring commercials of the media, and the sheer demands placed on our time—to say nothing of the problems of the world—cause headache, inflict pain, and sap our strength to cope. The burden of sickness or the grief of mourning a loved one departed brings us to our knees seeking heavenly help. With the ancients we may wonder, “Is there no balm in Gilead?”…

He who was burdened with sorrow and acquainted with grief speaks to every troubled heart and bestows the gift of peace. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)

While the Prophet Joseph Smith was in jail at Liberty, MO, he wrote in D&C 121:

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?"

The Lord answered: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”

Elder Quentin L. Cook taught: “…many of the trials and hardships we encounter in life are severe and appear to have lasting consequences. Each of us will experience some of these during the vicissitudes of life. Many listening to this conference are experiencing situations of a most serious nature at this very moment.

Employment and financial problems are not unusual. Many people have physical and mental health challenges. Others deal with marital problems or wayward children. Some have lost loved ones. Addictions and inappropriate or harmful propensities cause heartache.

Whatever the source of the trials, they cause significant pain and suffering for individuals and those who love them… Regardless of the challenges, trials, and hardships we endure, the reassuring doctrine of the Atonement wrought by Jesus Christ includes Alma’s teaching that the Savior would take upon Him our infirmities and “succor his people according to their infirmities.”

In the scriptures, Alma described a struggle in his life to his son: [Alma 38:8-9]

"And it came to pass that I was three days and three nights in the most bitter pain and anguish of soul; and never, until I did cry out unto the Lord Jesus Christ for mercy, did I receive a remission of my sins. But behold, I did cry unto him and I did find peace to my soul.

And now, my son, I have told you this that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn of me that there is no other way or means whereby man can be saved, only in and through Christ. Behold, he is the life and the light of the world. Behold, he is the word of truth and righteousness."

I want to call your attention to what it took for Alma to receive that peace. He never received it until he cried unto the Lord in prayer. This reminds me of an experience that I had. Several years ago, I went through a trial that was extremely difficult for me. It was made even more difficult by the fact that it was to be a private trial. I couldn't really talk to anyone about what I was going through. I couldn't discuss it with my friends or my family, who are my typical support group when I am experiencing challenging times. I had to hide it in such a way that they didn't even know I was struggling. I felt very much alone. But this taught me to reach out to God in prayer. There was no one else. I think I needed that experience to teach me how to truly rely on the Lord.

During this time, I wrote the following in my journal:

“I am sure this is only the beginning, but I am grateful for the way trials bring us closer to the Lord. I remember having lunch with my mother years ago and commenting, "I don't understand how God could make you go through what you did. You were trying so hard to keep the commandments and be good." It is hard at times because the agency of others can affect us, even through no fault of our own. But my mother told me, "Yes, but look at how He has made it up to me." That gives me hope. Because I do think that there will be and are many blessings that will come from this. I feel so grateful to God for giving me this trial to bring me closer to Him. I remember saying many times that this particular trial would be something I would "never want to deal with," but somehow God knew that with His help I can handle it. Although, I am sure I will still have days where it is very difficult, the last few days I have felt such happiness in feeling closer to God and the Spirit. Really, God wants us to be happy and so many people don't understand what true happiness is. I feel such gratitude for everything in my life, including this trial ... I don't even know how to explain how I feel, but I truly feel happy and at peace. I think God has blessed us with that peace. We will all make mistakes, have weaknesses, and have trials, but it is our reactions to those things that are most important. It is a slow process, but we are just taking it one day at a time. We have had our hard times...we are in the middle of our hard times…but I think one day we will be able to put this behind us, hold on to the lessons that we have learned and move on to greater things and probably new trials. Sometimes I really wish we didn’t have to go through this, and sometimes I am so grateful for how much closer I feel to God, and how much more of an understanding I have of the plan of salvation, the purpose of commandments, and true happiness.”

One caveat I want to add here is about the importance of not judging. While I was in the middle of the above trial, someone very close to me made a comment about how I hadn't really "experienced" life yet because I hadn't had any "major" life trials. I was so full of hurt and pain at the time and this comment just devastated me. This was someone who normally was someone I leaned on during tough times and so I am sure they felt justified in this belief. We just never know what anyone, even those closest to us, may be going through. We need to not judge each other. We need to just love each other.

Elder M. Russell Ballard said:

“No matter how difficult the trail, and regardless of how heavy our load, we can take comfort in knowing that others before us have borne life’s most grievous trials and tragedies by looking to heaven for peace, comfort, and hopeful assurance. We can know as they knew that God is our Father, that He cares about us individually and collectively, and that as long as we continue to exercise our faith and trust in Him there is nothing to fear in the journey. Like the pioneers of 1847 who ventured west along a trail that kept them relatively close to life-sustaining fresh water from rivers, particularly the Platte and the Sweetwater, we need to follow and partake of the Living Water of Christ to refresh our faith and sustain our efforts as we travel the road through mortality.

Life isn’t always easy. At some point in our journey we may feel much as the pioneers did as they crossed Iowa—up to our knees in mud, forced to bury some of our dreams along the way. We all face rocky ridges, with the wind in our face and winter coming on too soon. Sometimes it seems as though there is no end to the dust that stings our eyes and clouds our vision. Sharp edges of despair and discouragement jut out of the terrain to slow our passage… Occasionally we reach the top of one summit in life, as the pioneers did, only to see more mountain peaks ahead, higher and more challenging than the one we have just traversed. Tapping unseen reservoirs of faith and endurance, we, as did our forebears, inch ever forward toward that day when our voices can join with those of all pioneers who have endured in faith, singing: “All is well! All is well!” (Hymns, no. 30).”

I can't help but think back on the physical challenges that I have gone through over the past year. They truly felt that way - as I reached the top of one summit, seemingly done with the climb, I kept seeing more and more ahead. Early in my pregnancy, I was plagued with a lot of pain. I thought it was normal, until I talked to my friends and family members and realized that they hadn't experienced it. Midway through my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with a DVT (blood clot), hospitalized, and put on bed rest for several weeks. I had to have shots twice a day in my stomach. I thought it was terrible. Then near the end of my pregnancy, I discovered that I would need to have a C-section. I thought that was horrible. I knew other women had been through it, but I didn't think I could handle it. The recovery sounded so much worse than a normal delivery. But the C-section came. And I thought I was finally done with my health problems. And then a few days later, I was on a table in my OB/GYN's office having my incision re-opened due to a hematoma. I needed to be packed and unpacked with gauze twice a day. All of the sudden a "normal" C-section recovery didn't seem so bad. I longed for it even. Then a few days later, the home health nurse noticed blood clots down in the incision. I was sent to the Wound Care Clinic of the hospital, my incision was opened even more, and several nurses scraped the clots out. And then I had to wear a Wound V.A.C. for a month to help suction the incision closed, with changes multiple times a week. All of the sudden, those pains in the beginning, seemed so trivial. But oh how grateful I am for the little things now that I am recovered. My health means more to me now than it ever did before I lost it. I am grateful for the ability to walk without pain, to shower normally, to sit on the floor, to lift my son, to sleep in my bed...

I tell these experiences not to be depressing and share that "life will only get worse," but to illustrate the need for gratitude. Obviously I needed to go through those things in order to realize the blessings along the way.

Excerpt from a blog entry I wrote earlier this year as I was starting to recover:

“I've been thinking about the wisdom in not being able to see what is in store for us down the road… If I had known a year ago (when Jeff and I were considering starting a family) what I would have to go through to bring little Nathan into the world, I'm not sure I would have started down this path. I would have been frightened. I would have thought that I would not be able to handle the pain physically or emotionally. I wouldn't have wanted to go through it. I would have thought that it would be too hard. And yet, I did go through it. And here I am, almost on the other side, with a beautiful baby boy who has brought so much joy into our lives already. These experiences have strengthened my belief that God will not give us challenges that we are not able to face. I was stronger than I ever imagined I would be in this type of situation (which wasn't much). I am stronger now that I have been through it. God has strengthened me.

I've been reading a book about pregnancy and early parenthood that my cousin gave me and there is a quote that really sums up what I have been feeling:"If someone had told me three years ago what my life would be like today, I might have run away rather than face the mess and chaos. But this is why we can't see the future, because most of us aren't wise enough to know how much joy comes with the struggle."

I'm sure there are plenty of more difficult challenges waiting for us in the years ahead. I'm grateful that I can't foresee them. I am also grateful for my belief and faith that we will be able to make it when they do come.”

Elder Richard G. Scott taught:

“The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place—stepping-stones to further growth and attainment. The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. Your progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether you welcome the experience or not. Trust in the Lord. Ask to be led by the Spirit to know His will. Be willing to accept it. You will then qualify for the greatest happiness and the heights of attainment from this mortal experience.”

I love the part that talks about challenges being temporary events in a life of continuing peace and happiness. We have so many blessings. So much to be grateful for. My mother in law once wrote:

"I think our attitude has a lot to do with making sure we have more good days than bad ones. When I get down, I have to work very hard on counting my blessings. Even when everything seems to be going wrong, if we try hard enough, we can count more blessings and show gratitude to our Heavenly Father for them. Just this process can help change our attitude.”

Elder Quentin L. Cook taught:

“Regardless of our trials, with the abundance we have today, we would be ungrateful if we did not appreciate our blessings… Our foremost gratitude should be for the Savior and His Atonement.”

President Thomas S. Monson said:

“I pray that all of us will reflect gratitude for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. His glorious gospel provides answers to life’s greatest questions…

He taught us how to pray. He taught us how to serve. He taught us how to live. His life is a legacy of love. The sick He healed; the downtrodden He lifted; the sinner He saved. The time came when He stood alone. Some Apostles doubted; one betrayed Him. The Roman soldiers pierced His side. The angry mob took His life. There yet rings from Golgotha’s hill His compassionate words, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

Earlier, perhaps perceiving the culmination of His earthly mission, He spoke the lament, “Foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.” “No room in the inn” was not a singular expression of rejection—just the first.

Yet He invites you and me to receive Him. “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”

Who was this Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief? Who is the King of glory, this Lord of hosts? He is our Master. He is our Savior. He is the Son of God. He is the Author of our Salvation. He beckons, “Follow me.” He instructs, “Go, and do thou likewise.” He pleads, “Keep my commandments.” Let us follow Him. Let us emulate His example. Let us obey His word. By so doing, we give to Him the divine gift of gratitude.”

I know that God lives. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. I know that He will not leave us comfortless in our times of need. He will always be there for us, offering the gift of peace the we desperately need during our calm or troubled times, whether out trials are large or small at the moment, public or private. At this time of year and always, let us offer Him our gift of gratitude for all that He has given us.

I Would Give Up This Home In An Instant...

2008-12-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, I visited a woman who lived in an amazingly beautiful home. As we pulled up in front of the impressive house, it shined at us out of the darkness of night. A well manicured lawn with large trees and well trimmed bushes framed the large, elegant home. The lighting was picturesque and helped enhance the beauty of the structure. As we walked down the many steps to the front door, I noticed large, windows and an impressive wood door with stained glass. We rang the door bell and were invited into an immaculate entry way, with a gorgeous staircase leading to the upper levels of the home. The walls were covered in expensive paintings, the rooms were furnished with only the best. As we walked further into the home, we entered a spacious sitting room with open, vaulting ceilings. The room was decorated with artwork from Italy, France, and other far-off locations. As we talked to the woman who owned the home, we heard of yearly skiing trips to Veil, family vacations to Europe, cruises in exotic locations...

We remarked on the exquisite beauty of the home and its owner said something that really struck me. She said, "I would give up this home in an instant if I could just have my husband back." You see, her marriage of 20 years was falling apart due to infidelity and divorce. In all of the beauty that surrounded her in that sprawling, well-furnished home that was so tastefully fitted with expensive decor, all she felt was emptiness.

She would give it all away...all of it...in an instant. Just to have the love of her life, her husband, back.

Our greatest treasures are not our possessions, but our relationships. As we enter the Christmas season, one which has been commercialized, in some ways, beyond recognition, I hope to focus less on the giving and getting of gifts...and more on the relationships with my friends and family. For they are the real gifts, my real treasures. I am so blessed.

I Love Being A Mommy

2008-11-20T20:14:00.000-08:00

I love being a mommy. There are moments when it is REALLY REALLY REALLY hard, but there are also moments when it is just amazing. I love being number one in my baby's universe. The way he responds when he sees me is so much fun. Sometimes when Jeff has been taking care of a fussy Nathan and I come home, Nathan will see me and immediately calm down. A good deal of that MAY be because he realizes I am his food, but I like to think it is more than that. Sometimes when Jeff is holding Nathan, Nathan will just STARE at me. Or sometimes in the car when we are driving (I sit in the backseat next to him...mostly because his car seat is so big that it isn't comfortable in the passenger seat), Nathan will stare me down as he drifts off to sleep.

I also really love the interactions we have together. Now that he is older, even while he is eating, he will look at me and smile. Sometimes when he is done eating, but just sucking, he will look at me with this little sheepish grin because he knows that he is done, but doesn't want to come off. It's so cute. I also love the looks he gives me when I smile at him or talk to him or sing to him after I have been doing something else. He gets SO excited.

I also love his giggles and smiles. There are certain moments in the day that you just can't prepare for, but you get to enjoy by being there. That's what I LOVE about being a stay at home mom right now. I love the little unexpected moments throughout the day that I get to enjoy. The little cuddles, the giggles, the smiles.

I may have spent the past seven years of my life preparing to be a CPA, but I have been preparing my whole life to be a mother. And, although I actually FEEL more prepared to be a CPA, I am so incredibly glad I get to be a mommy too. I love being a mommy!

The Dangers of Blog Hopping...

2008-11-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

Tears.

I went to this address after seeing it in one of my friend's "status" lines on Facebook.

http://leslieandaaron.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-figured-this-month-would-be-difficult.html

Each moment is a gift. We have so much to be grateful for, but it is sadly, often when it is gone that we really realize how wonderful things were. This post just made me realize that I need to take time each day to enjoy the little miracle moments I have with my son and husband. I am so blessed.

Example

2008-11-17T11:19:00.000-08:00

Last night Jeff showed me this short clip from the Priesthood Session of general conference earlier this year. Besides being very amusing, it really got me thinking about how the things I do and say can affect others.

I've started to realize more and more how important my actions and my example will be and already are for my little son. He is so observant and already tries to imitate Jeff and I in many ways. He loves to carry on conversations with us, where he is starting to imitate talking and sounds. We often try to make him laugh by making kissy noises at him and he now tries to get our attention by making kissy noises with his lips. When we look over, he smiles and gets so excited. Jeff commented the other day that Nathan is going to be obsessed with the computer when he gets older. Jeff unwinds by playing video games and I unwind by blogging so Nathan often sees us on the computer and is very interested in what we are doing. That kind of scared me. I don't want my son obsessed with the computer! What then, do I want my son to pick up from my example? What qualities do I want him to learn to imitate and make his own? Which qualities would I not want to pass along?

President David O. McKay taught:

"There is one responsibility which no man can evade; that responsibility is his personal influence. Man's unconscious influence in the silent, subtle radiation of his personality - the effect of his words and his acts on others. This radiation is tremendous. Every moment of life man is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.

Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other man. He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. Man cannot evade the responsibility by merely saying that is is an unconscious influence.

Man can select the qualities he would permit to be radiated. He can cultivate sweetness, calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility, and make them vitally active in his character. And by these qualities he will constantly affect the world.

This radiation to which I refer, comes from what a person really is. It is not what he pretends to be. Every man by his mere living is radiating either sympathy, sorrow, morbidness, cynicism, or happiness and hope - or any one of a hundred other qualities.

Life is a state of radiation and absorption. To exist, is to radiate; to exist, is to be the recipient of radiation."

I believe that who we truly are is what leaves a lasting impression on others. We may be able to "fake" who we are for a brief meeting in a brief moment, but as we spend more time with someone, our true character shows. I love what President McKay said above about our ability to select the qualities we want to have "radiated." We each have the opportunity and ability to nurture our characters. Little by little we can change ourselves to become the type of person we want to be.

An oft heard quote that I really teaches, "We sow our thoughts, and we reap our actions; we sow our actions, and we reap our habits; we sow our habits, and we reap our characters; we sow our characters, and we reap our destiny."

And so once again, I am left to wonder what characteristics and qualities I want my son (and perhaps others) to learn and imitate from me. Many of those traits exist, but need to be nurtured. Other traits need to be removed. And so, little by little, I hope that I can start to change myself to be the type of mother and woman I would like to be. I want to "radiate" faith, kindness, and love. I want to get rid of judgment, pride, and pessimism.

I still have a long way to go. But I hope I am heading in the right direction.

Today

2008-11-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about preparation. Perhaps it is because I am anxiously (and impatiently) waiting to find out the results of my CPA exam. As I debate about whether or not I could have failed the exam, I wonder, "Did I study enough? Could I have done more? If I have to do it again (heaven forbid) how would I prepare differently?" In D&C 83:30, it reads "If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." Well, I have feared a lot in my life...in that sense...more than I want to admit. But I have also felt the lack of fear and instead the confidence that accompanies preparation.

I have also been thinking about preparation in a different way. I have been thinking about the small, every day choices we make that are preparing us for the days ahead and making us the people we will become. As I consider my still flabby post-baby belly and wonder what happened to my abs, I realize that all I really need to do is focus on doing just a few repetitions of ab exercises every day. Perhaps that way, over time, I will lay the ground work so that one day I will suddenly realize that my stomach is flat again...or at least tight(er). I probably won't notice any changes overnight, but as we learn in the children's fable Tortoise and the Hare, "Slow and steady wins the race."

And yet, I watch the days pass by. I keep thinking, "I'll do crunches tomorrow." And then tomorrow comes. And the crunches don't. And neither does my flat belly.

There is an old adage that says, “Never put off ’til tomorrow what you should do today.” Have you ever had a thought cross your mind, that you should call someone or write a letter or do something? I am guessing we all have. Often we let those fleeting thoughts pass and never know why we had them. But sometimes, we find out and it is too late.

I am often reminded of my former roommate and dear friend, Michelle. We lived together for a year and grew to be very close. For most of her life, she was consumed by serious health problems. After our time as roommates ended, I kept in touch, but as the years passed, we drifted apart. I saw her again for the last time a few months before my wedding. She was in remission from her cancer and her hair was slowly growing back. She was vibrant, beautiful, and full of life. Over the years since then, I have often had the thought that I needed to get in touch with her. But I let myself get too busy and the hours turned to days, which turned to months. Earlier this year, I accidentally stumbled across a blog that shared the news of her passing. Although I believe her to be in a better place, I often wonder if I could have eased the pain of her final days, months, years, by sharing a kind word or turning a listening ear. But I will never know.

Michelle (left), Me, and one of our other roommates during happier times

While it is easy to dwell on the past and the things we cannot change, we also need to look ahead to the future. Toward tomorrow. And yet, we must live in the present. Years ago, at my bridal shower, my older sister, Nikki, gave me a plaque. On the plaque is the saying, "Live for today." I have often thought about what that means and why it is important.

President Monson has said, "The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

I love country music and find certain songs to be inspiring. As I think back on my experiences of the past year and the realization that life is fragile and things can change in an instant, the words of Tim McGraw's song, "Live Like You Are Dying" hit close to home:

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said...
I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
...I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden goin fishin
wasn't such an imposition
...I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again...

and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it...
what would I do with it?

I've noticed that after going through the physical and emotional trials of the past year, I have gained so much gratitude for each day. I hope that I can hang on to it. I hope I can remember the way I felt when I could finally walk again without pain. The way I felt when I my incision was finally healed and I didn't need the wound V.A.C. anymore. The way I felt when I could sleep in my bed again and then when I could sleep on my side again.

We each have unexpected events and moments come into our lives. Whether it is an unexpected health complication, the sudden loss of a loved one, a spur of the moment need to stand up for what you believe in, a swift natural disaster, or an economic crisis. And, as President Monson has often pointed out, "When the time for performance arrives, the time for preparation is past."

As I think back on the hurricane that hit New Orleans in 2005 or the hurricane that hit the gulf coast earlier this summer, I think about how suddenly change can come and how quickly it can become apparent that some of us are not prepared. As I think back to the death of my friend, I think about how suddenly change can come and how quickly opportunities can be lost. As I think back to my health complications, I think about how quickly things can change and how much we take for granted. In all of these things, I think about how small things we can be doing each day can help us lay the foundation and prepare for the future, while enjoying today.

Change

2008-11-09T14:54:00.000-08:00

In our last worldwide church general conference, President Monson said, "I begin by mentioning one of the most inevitable aspects of our lives here upon the earth, and that is change. At one time or another we’ve all heard some form of the familiar adage: “Nothing is as constant as change.” Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden.... But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly."

The Obama campaign has also always been about this buzz word of "change." Well, now that change is here! It will be interesting to see how things play out over the next 4-8 years. Whether or not you agree with Obama's policies or politics, the people have spoken and he will be our new President. I am so grateful for the democracy we live in where we each have a chance to make our voices heard through voting. We enjoy so many freedoms as citizens of the United States of America. We are truly blessed.

One change I am very proud of is that our country was able to elect someone other than a traditional Caucasian male as President. It was also interesting to see a woman vice-president nominee and a woman running for the presidential nomination. I am excited that we seem to be heading toward a time where we can all be accepted as human. As President Monson said above, "...some changes are welcome..."

In a commencement address at Wellesley College, delivered on June 1, 1990, Barbara Bush said, "We are in a transitional period right now -- fascinating and exhilarating times, learning to adjust to changes and the choices we, men and women, are facing.... Now maybe we should adjust faster; maybe we should adjust slower. But whatever the era, whatever the times, one thing will never change: fathers and mothers, if you have children, they must come first. You must read to your children, and you must hug your children, and you must love your children. Your success as a family, our success as a society, depends not on what happens in the White House, but on what happens inside your house."

Whether or not we agree with the changes in Washington, the changes in the world, or the inevitable changes in our lives, those changes still exist. But we have the power to influence our families for good. We have the power to build up society within the walls of our own homes, with our outlooks, attitudes, and the way we live our individual lives.

What Really Matters? What Brings Happiness?

2008-11-03T07:06:00.000-08:00

I like my pediatrician. At each visit, he gives us a newsletter with information about what to expect over the next few months, tips for new parents, and various thoughts and biblical passages. He is a Christian and so he often includes religious undertones, but since I am also Christian, I enjoy it. In the newsletter from our two month well child appointment, he included some interesting thoughts that I'd like to share.

The newsletter included an excerpt from Dr. James Dobson entitled An Eternal Perspective:

"The utter folly of materialism was dramatically emphasized during my most recent trip to England. As I toured the museums and historical buildings, I was struck by what I called "empty castles." Standing there in the lonely fog were the edifices constructed by proud men who thought they owned them. But where are those men today? All are gone and most are forgotten. The hollow castles they left behind stand as monuments to the physical vulnerability and impermanence of the men who built them...

"May I say with the strongest conviction that I want to leave more than "empty castles" behind me when I die. I realize how rapidly my life is passing before my eyes. Time is like a well-greased string which slides through my taut fingers. I've tried vainly to hold it or even slow its pace, but it only accelerates year by year. Just as surely as the past twenty years evaporated so quickly, the next three or four decades will soon be gone. So there is no better time than now for me (and you) to assess the values which are worthy of my time and effort. Having made that evaluation, I have concluded that the accumulation of wealth, even if I could achieve it, is an insufficient reason for living. When I reach the end of my days, a moment or two from now, I must look backward on something more meaningful than the pursuit of houses and lands and machines and stocks and bonds. Nor is fame of any lasting benefit. I will consider my earthly existence to have been waisted unless I can recall a loving family, a consistent investment in the lives of people, and an earnest attempt to serve the God who made me. Nothing else makes much sense, and certainly nothing else is worthy of my agitation!"

I can't help but think back to my junior year of college. I can still remember the moment that I started to realize that "things" could not bring me happiness.

Growing up I was often lonely. I had always been painfully shy and between moving and going to different schools than the other kids in my neighborhood, I had a very difficult time making friends. Like most teenagers, I had low self esteem and thought that name brand clothing, tan skin, and highlighted hair would make me happy. Because I came from a large family and my mother stayed at home, we didn't have a lot of money to get those things. I started working when I was 15 years old and used my money to buy the clothing I wanted and to work on my physical appearance.

Luckily, working and using my own money to buy things also taught me self-reliance. I continued working through college. I had a scholarship to pay for tuition and used my earnings to pay for my housing, food, and to continue to buy clothing and other material possessions. Because I knew how to manage money and was frugal, I would spend hours finding good deals on condos to live in. I enjoyed having a washer and dryer, less roommates, only having to share a bathroom with one girl, etc. I lived in several condos that were very nice and comfortable. During my third year at school, I moved into a condo that was the largest and most spacious of all of the places I lived during college. I only had two roommates and there were two bathrooms and plenty of space in the pantry. Physically, I felt very comfortable. I enjoyed the extra space. I had my designer clothes. But I was lonely. That was one of the most difficult years for me at college. It was while I was in that apartment that I realized money doesn't make you happy. I wasn't exactly "rich" (heck, I didn't even have a car!), but I had a lot of physical comforts.

That experience, among others, taught me that I couldn't buy happiness. Immediately after that year, I moved into an older apartment (that actually cost more), that had six girls, only one and a half bathrooms, no washer and dryer, and was a longer walk from campus. But I was happy there. I made friends, I got to know other people, and I met Jeff.

An unknown author wrote, "Money is an article that can be used as a universal passport to everywhere except heaven, and as a universal provider of everything except happiness." I truly believe that. Henrick Ibsen wrote, "Money may buy the husk of many things, but not the kernel." What then brings happiness?

I find that I have been happiest in my life those times when I focus less on myself and more on others. When I learn to count my blessings rather than wish for something more. When I focus on things that bring lasting happiness, such as friendships, family, and service rather than focusing on things that are fleeting, such as clothing, prestige, and possessions.

President James E. Faust has said, "Obviously there is a great difference between feeling happy at a given moment and being happy for a lifetime, between having a good time and leading a good life.... The golden pathway to happiness is the selfless giving of love - the kind of love that has concern and interest and some measure of Charity for every living soul. Love is the direct route to happiness that would enrich and bless our lives and the lives of others. It means that you show love even to your enemies..."

So THIS is What Being a Mother Feels Like

2008-11-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

Some days it is really strange to realize that I am a mother. It's weird to think that just over a year ago, Jeff and I started talking about starting our family. It's strange to consider how much life has changed since those conversations. And to realize that now I AM a mother. But really, I don't feel that different. Life is different, but I don't seem THAT different...to me.

It's also strange to realize that right now I am living the life that I always imagined as a little girl. As a child, I loved playing with "baby" dolls and playing house. I always dreamed about being a wife and a mother. Well, now that is the phase of life I am in. But what is even stranger is realizing that this phase of life is temporary. Babies grow up in a blink of an eye. I'll probably spend more of my life as an "empty nester" than I do with children in the home. Weird.

That being said, I hope I can savor every minute. Or at least the good times. Being a mother is hard. Some days I feel like I am in over my head. The hardest part for me is that there is no reprieve. I work 7 days a week, 15 hour days, and am "on call" the remaining 9 hours. There are no vacation days, sick days, or holidays. But at the same time, there is so much room for joy. The simplest things make me happy. Five minutes of smiles can make 5 hours of screaming worth it. An unexpected giggle can erase the memory of a rough day. Cuddles from the cutest baby boy can warm my heart. Realizing he is my number one fan when I see his face light up after he has been waiting for me to look at him brightens my day. I know that he won't be this little for very long. Already he is changing and growing so quickly. I don't want to look back one day and wish I had appreciated it more. I am trying to appreciate and enjoy it NOW. I am so blessed to be a mother. I am realizing more and more that not everyone will get this opportunity. And for me, as hard as it can be at times, this is what life is all about.

99 Balloons

2008-10-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

I saw this video on Oprah today and really liked it. What a touching reminder that each day is so amazing and such a gift.

Life, Faith, Family

2008-10-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

I am not Catholic, but I love this video that was put out by the Catholic church. I agree with the commitment and need to preserve the moral values of life, faith, and family.

Now that I am a mother, I am starting to worry more and more about the society we live in and the world my son will be a part of. Babies are so innocent. So trusting and full of love. My son doesn't know how to hate. He doesn't know evil. He doesn't know violence. As I rock him to sleep, softly singing the words to "I Am A Child of God," I often ponder on how each of us came into this world in the state of innocence that he is in. I feel desire to shield and protect him from the hard and profane things in life. But I know that I cannot. All I can do is teach him the principles and truths that I know and pray that he will one day come to know them for himself.

On Making Mistakes, Standing Back Up, and Creating a New Image

2008-10-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Originally Written Winter 2003

I am so scared of making mistakes that I can’t even write an essay without second guessing what it is the reader is looking for. I once took a Business Writing class. The focus of the class was on grammar, punctuation, spelling, and word choice. As a result of that class, it became hard to read a sentence of my own without analyzing the structure and wondering if it was written in such a way that red marks would not appear.

I’ve always tried to avoid mistakes. When I was in High School, I used to rewrite my math problems until the page looked perfect. I didn’t want any marks; I didn’t want there to be any sign I had had to erase. The page was to be perfect and organized. If it wasn’t I would copy it over again until it was.

Art is no exception. I love looking at a picture or a scene and recreating the beauty I find so I can share that beauty with others. However, I get so worried about perfectly recreating the image I see, without making mistakes, that I obsess over each line and each section. I spend a lot time making sure each shape is perfectly formed and each layer of colors is perfectly represented in an attempt to minimize mistakes and inconsistencies.

I can still recall the time I drew a tiger for an art class. I looked at the image and then back at my blank page. I stared intently into its eyes and then looked at its ferocious, open mouth. Its teeth seemed to glisten, even through the picture on my desk, and I gazed at the texture of its tongue and the way it draped over those sharp teeth. I pulled out my pencil and slowly began to sketch the general shape of the head, the ears, and the mouth.

The best time to make mistakes in art is when you are sketching. The lines are so lightly drawn that they can be erased with little effort and almost no trace of there ever having been a misplaced line. As I lightly sketched, I often found myself looking back at the picture of the tiger to remind myself what the image I was attempting to recreate looked like. When the nose didn’t look quite right, I would gently erase the soft lines and reform it on the paper in front of me. Then I would continue drawing – a stroke of the pencil here, a gentle correction of the eraser there. This process would take many hours over several days, but it minimized mistakes.

For as long as I can remember, I have found it hard to go into the unknown and do things I am not used to. When I step into the dark, I don’t know what will happen – I have no way to reduce or eliminate the mistakes. However, recently I have started taking steps into the unknown. With those steps come new mistakes, new weaknesses. As my canvas grows, I long for a fresh piece of paper – perfect and free of red lines or eraser marks.

When I first clipped my boots onto my skis, I thought, “This shouldn’t be too hard!” I had never skied before. I slipped and slid for the first five minutes, but always managed to adjust my weight in such a way that – although I looked like an idiot – I did not fall. Right then and there, I decided I would never fall.

Skiing was new to me, but I was confident that if I made the goal not to fall, I would be able to keep that goal. I had assumed that I could just take my time. I would learn to move by watching the “experts” around me and slowly copying their moves. However, skiing wasn’t as easy as I had suspected, no matter how slowly I went.

Along my journey on skis, I found the greatest enjoyment and security by myself on the relatively smooth part of the trail. I felt comfortable there. It is not hard to handle the skis when the ground is flat and you are barely moving. I didn’t fear falling or skiing too quickly. The choice was mine. I knew what I was doing.

I tend to stay in situations I am comfortable with. When I am doing something I have done a million times before, the process becomes second nature and I tend not to make as many mistakes. I still do, of course. But, like sketching, they are relatively easy to fix. I don’t like erasing mistakes. I would rather not make them at all. When I try new things, I fall more frequently. New situations create new weaknesses – weaknesses and mistakes that require a different form of erasing than I am used to.

No matter how slowly I moved on my skis, I couldn’t stay on level ground forever. As I made my way down the path, it inevitably began to elevate. The incline steepened and I found myself slipping backward. All I could think of was my goal not to fall. I desperately stabbed my ski poles into the ground and held on with all the strength in my arms. I just hung there, not moving, but also not falling. I refused to fall. Along with that, I also refused to progress farther up the path.

As I dangled on my skis, I realized that I couldn’t stay there forever. There would come a point when I would need to move – whether I fell or not. At that point, I began to think that maybe my goal never to fall was a bit far-fetched. However, I still clung to that goal. Finally I began to move. Slowly, and ever so carefully, I made my way to the top of the slope.

Cross country skiing wasn’t the only new activity I decided to undertake. I hate heights. I am always afraid I will make a false move and fall. Yet, once again, I found myself doing something new. I voluntarily climbed up a tree and stepped to the edge of a platform, preparing to leap into the air. As I stood forty feet above the ground, I hugged the tree behind me and then, ever so slowly, stepped near the edge of the platform. In this case, “near” meant still several inches from the edge. Someone yelled, “Lean forward!” As I looked into the tree tops several feet ahead of me, my fearful hand once again found the tree trunk. Standing forty feet in the air, I knew that any mistake would not be easily corrected.

Once you finish sketching, true creation begins. I set my lead pencil aside and pulled out my colored pencils. I carefully selected colors which most closely matched the vibrant mixture of oranges, tans, and browns I saw in the picture before me. I made a few strokes on scratch paper before I ever touched the artwork to ensure that the color of the pencil itself wasn’t deceiving. These colors could not be easily erased as the lead had been. Then I slowly, carefully started adding life and color to the image.

With each blend of colors and textures, my eyes would constantly dart back to the original tiger. If the color or shape wasn’t looking quite right, I would massage the area with the tips of the numerous colors until it looked the way I wanted it to. I slowly formed the image on the page before me. I knew that mistakes couldn’t be fixed easily, and decided it would be better not to make them at all.

The first time I met my friend, *Mary, I was on my way to the park for a picnic. She and her roommate were headed to their new apartment in my ward. We invited them to join us. Over the next few months, Mary and I became close friends. First we were in the same Family Home Evening group and then we served in the same Relief Society Presidency. When we found the opportunity to spend eight credits of our semester together, we excitedly took the steps necessary to add and drop classes.

As the semester and our friendship progressed, we naturally started spending a lot of time together. Mary began confiding in me. One of the major topics of our conversations was *Timothy. During the semester she often talked to me about her feelings for him. As a result of our conversations, she even found enough courage to talk to him about how she felt.

A few weeks ago I went snowshoeing with Mary and a group of our friends. We hiked up and around and played in the snow. Somehow Timothy and I started to pay a lot of attention to each other. We kept flirting and white washing each other with the snow. As we played, Timothy kept making comments such as “You look so beautiful when you are wet” and “You always look beautiful.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt so starved for attention and affirmation of my worth from guys and people in general that I longed to hear those words.

I don’t think I realized just what I was doing until I heard another friend’s words echo over the snow and over mine and Timothy’s shrieking. “Mary, why are you so quiet? You are never quiet.” I realized then that I had over-stepped the line. Unfortunately, I kept flirting. I tried to throw snow at everyone, but as we were heading back, Timothy and I continued paying attention to each other.

As we drove home from the canyon, I was full of emotion. How could I be happy and interested in Timothy when I knew about Mary and her feelings for him? I didn’t know what to do. I had made a mistake. I had fallen. And there was no easy method for erasing the pain I had caused or the trust I had betrayed.

There is often a moment, before you ever make the mistake, when you see the danger before you. As I reached the top of the hill on my skis, I was suddenly forced to a halt. The path no longer continued upward. Now there was a drastic decline. I stood at the top and stared down the hill. The wheels in my head began turning as I desperately tried to discover how to get out of this – how I could make it to the bottom without falling. I knew that standing at the top of the hill kept me from falling, but that was all it did. Finally I realized that I had no other choice but to try. I couldn’t just stand still forever. I pushed myself forward. I fell. As I tumbled down the slope – skis flying, arms flailing – I realized I had failed. So much for never falling!

Falling – I didn’t even want to think about what the result of a mistake would be this far up in the air. I was standing with my back against the tree trunk and my feet firmly planted on the platform. After what seemed like an eternity, I slowly moved my hands from the trunk of the tree to the rope hooked onto my harness. “Don’t touch that rope!” Someone yelled from below. I looked down and then straight across again – nothing but branches. I stared at the ring a few feet ahead of me. My goal was to leap off the platform and grab the suspended ring. I told myself that I could reach it. But the fear of making a mistake clouded my faith.

Mistakes are easy to make, but hard to accept. I think I knew before I leaped off of that platform that I wouldn’t make it. The fear of falling consumed me. I allowed that fear to lead me to making the mistake. From the ground, I heard this description of the event – I leaped straight for the ring and was about to grab it when, mid-air, I suddenly swung around and grabbed the forbidden rope. I remember thinking, as I jumped off the platform and into the air, that through it all, the rope was safety. I knew that the ring was safety too, but my mind couldn’t believe that even if I didn’t reach it I wouldn’t fall. It all happened so fast. All I remember is being suspended in the air, facing the platform I had just leaped from. I had done a complete 180.

I could have reached the ring – I was headed straight for it. But the fear within me, the fear that I would fail, the fear that I couldn’t reach the goal, took me farther from it. I changed my mind while my feet were still planted firmly on the boards. I once heard the idea presented this way: “Sometimes we desire so much to be right that we become full of fear. Sometimes we desire so much to be perfect that we are paralyzed from making choices because we are too scared to make a wrong choice.”

One day I came to art class, sat down, and pulled out my picture of the tiger. To my horror, as I glanced between my work and the original, I noticed that the way I had drawn the mouth wasn’t angled quite right. I had already drawn much of the upper face, but I realized that the rest of the mouth and lower jaw would be off as a result of this mistake. I had already spent hours on my drawing, and I knew that any sort of erasing or constructive artwork surgery would be in vain. I had made a mistake.

I sat there, staring at the image. I realized I would never be able to fix it. Instead, I was left to fill in the gaps and to recreate the image in a new way. I needed to change the rest of the drawing so it would fit with the alteration I had accidentally made. Sometimes mistakes change the course of things so much that erasing is impossible. At that point, you have to pick up all of the pieces you can, and then move on toward a new image. It probably won’t be the one you originally had in mind, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still create a beautiful image.

As I branch out, I discover new mistakes, new weaknesses. Whenever I strap on skis, I soon find myself lying on my back, staring at the tops of the trees. I have come to realize that no matter how slowly you go, you will still make mistakes. I have always been so scared of making mistakes, but mistakes can become a learning process, if you let them.

After the snowshoeing incident with Timothy, I realized that if I never forgave myself, I would never be free of what had happened. The mistake had been made, I had fallen. But I needed to get up, stand up, and recreate my friendship with Mary. Otherwise, my mistake would forever define not only my relationship with Mary, but also my perception of myself.

The greatest lessons are learned through living. For years, I hid myself away, focusing and dwelling on my own inadequacies and fears. I refused to do anything different, afraid of what might happen. The fall from the tree would have been impossible if I had stayed on the ground. The betrayal in the snow would never have happened if I hadn’t strapped on my snowshoes. But at the same time, the beauty of a finished product can never be realized if you don’t stop sketching and start adding color. As I step outside of my boundaries and try new things, I discover new inadequacies and weaknesses. But just like my problems of the present and past, they needn’t define me forever.

I had thought cross-country skiing would be relatively flat. It wasn’t. I knew I was no expert. I had expected to ski like a novice. I did. But I thought that, even with the bumps and hills, I would be able to ski perfectly, never falling, as long as I moved slowly. I have come to realize that no matter how slowly you go mistakes are inevitable. There are many times when I make mistakes, and each time I do I have to force myself to admit that I can’t be perfect, then pick up the pieces and try again. Life is a constant balancing act. Forming the present, while molding the future, and knowing when to let go of the past.

The first time I fell with my skis, I remember thinking I had failed. My goal was to never fall, and there I was on the ground. I had fallen, I could never change that. As I lay on the ground, I realized I had two choices: I could stay there, lying in the snow on my back, beating myself up in my mind for falling; or I could pick myself up off of the ground, get back onto my skis, and stand up.

I stared into the blue sky. After what seemed like an eternity, I sat up. My gaze shifted to the hill I had just tumbled down. I gathered up my ski poles and shifted myself onto my side. Using the strength of my arms against the poles, I attempted to push myself into a standing position. My skis slipped and I lay in the snow once more. Once again, I had fallen. Falling is easy – it is the getting back up that is the most difficult. Over the next few minutes, with a lot of energy and shifting of weight, I managed to get myself into a standing position. I began to realize that perhaps the beauty of the trip isn’t so much in not falling, as it is in realizing that if and when we do fall we have the opportunity to stand up again. I took one more look at the hill behind me and then continued across the path – first one ski and then the other.

*Names have been changed