Snapshots and Differences

It's been a while since I've REALLY written on this blog. I've made a few comments here and there, but I haven't really felt motivated to write much. I've been going through some struggles the past year and I guess I haven't really felt like writing about anything.

But lately I have been thinking about something that I'd like to put into words.

I've been thinking about change. I guess I write a lot about change on here. I guess you could say that one of my mantras is "the only thing constant in life is change."

Lately what I have been thinking about is how quickly life changes, even though it feels like it often feels like it is going to be the same forever. And not just that it changes quickly, but that it can change quite drastically. I've been thinking about my life and the changes that have happened between where I am now and where I was even 4 years ago. And the 4 years before that.

Eight years ago, in early 2004, I was 21 and finishing up the last year of my bachelors degree studies as part of the "infamous" Junior Core of the Accounting Program at BYU in Provo, Utah. I had applied (or was about to apply) to the integrated Master program and planning on staying in school for two more years to complete it. I planned on earning a minor degree in Information System and had this plan in mind to work for small companies, designing their Accounting Information Systems. Funny enough I had no desire to work in public accounting and absolutely no desire to work for one of the big four global accounting firms. I wasn't dating anyone and had actually had a really rough school year when it came to dating, probably my worst since I started dating at 16! I was really lonely in my current apartment, even though it was a killer set up and ended up deciding to move in with an old high school friend that spring to a cramped and more expensive apartment that didn't have a washer and dryer (I'd always managed to find nice condos with washer and dryers included). I was working at the BYU library (had been for nearly 3 years at that point) as an accounting clerk making less than $10 an hour, but feeling well paid. I was supporting myself and living comfortably, if on a student budget. I didn't own a car and walked everywhere.

Four years ago, in early 2008, I was 25 and working at the large, global accounting firm Ernst & Young, LLP, on the fast track to becoming a tax manager in the Austin, Texas office. I took business trips to Chicago and was studying to earn my CPA license, which I later received. I was working long days, billing 70-80 hours each week. I was learning a lot and loving the challenge and feedback. I was serving as a counselor in the Relief Society Presidency in my ward and I was pregnant with my first child, having what I thought at the time was a pretty typical pregnancy. Jeff and I owned our first home, which was only a few years old and was situated on a large lot, in a quiet culd-e-sac, backing a greenbelt. Our house was around 2,200 square feet, not counting the two car garage. It had 2 1/2 bathrooms, three bedrooms (one of which was a ridiculously massive master bedroom suite), a dining room, kitchen, pantry, living room, and an office. And that was just for the two of us! Well, the 2.3 of us! We lived comfortably and made a really good and comfortable income between the two of us. In may ways, we were living the "American dream" and it kind of felt like everything was in place to just keep going up and up and building on the foundation we had. Jeff was working on his PhD (or maybe it was still his Master degree at that point) and we were both working toward our future careers and padding our resumes. We were car owners, but decided to make do with one car since we both worked downtown.

As I think back to those "snapshots" in my life, I remember feeling like the daily grind and the experiences I was going through were somewhat permanent. I knew life would change, but it was hard to really see beyond where I was in my life at that moment. Also, in both instances, I had certain plans and expectations about how life would be in the future. I knew I didn't really know a lot about specifics, but there were certain things I was planning for.

But life isn't stagnant. We pass through phases and enter new ones. The years pass by. We age. And, there are choices that we make in life. Choices that can cause us to go down a different path than the one we seem to be on. There are also outside influences that can unexpectedly alter the plans we have made for ourselves. Over the past four years, I have experienced both of these things and I know that life will continue to change, even when it the cycle of my days sometimes feels so permanent.

Currently, in 2012, I am 29 and live just outside of London in the United Kingdom. I am a mother to two little boys and am 6 months pregnant with my 3rd baby. My pregnancies are not and never will be "normal" thanks to complications from my first pregnancy. I've been married for just over 6 years to my husband, Jeff, who I have no known for nearly 8 years. I no longer work for a paycheck and only loosely use my accounting skills to do our yearly taxes, answer friends' questions, and do our personal budget. We live in a rented semi-detached house that is around 800 square feet in size. We don't have an office or a dining room or a pantry or a lot of other things we used to have. We don't have a car. We don't have a dryer and I hang our washing on the line or on a drying rack inside. We sold a good chunk of our possessions when we moved here and have already used most of the equity from our house as part of the international move. We live comfortably (but perhaps only because my definition of that word has changed) and money is tighter than ever before, though we get on fine. Jeff is continuing his work toward his future career and mine is "on hold" as I have made certain sacrifices to take a "career change" to raise our children.

As I think about and look over these snapshots of the present and the past, I can't help but think how drastically different my life is in each situation, especially now. Sometimes it's mind boggling to think just how incredibly different my current life situation is to where I was only four years ago. Back then I wore heels and fancy clothing. I talked to CFO's and controllers about their companies. Now I wear jeans and tennis shoes and chat with other mums about their child's sleep patterns. Back then I lived in a spacious, almost luxurious setting when compared to my current home. Now I live in much more "modest" circumstances. Back then, my time was "my own," even when I was working long hours. Now, as a mother, my time is always on reserve. Back then I took for granted the fact that I lived in America. I never expected to leave. Now I've been able to see and do things I never imagined and my perspective has been forever altered by experiences I have had living here.

As I look back over these snapshots, I can't help but realize that the girl experiencing each of those "lives" is not the same, at least not completely. My life experiences have changed me. But at the same time, the girl in each of those situations are also all...ME.

And do you know what? I kind of find it exhilarating that I have been able to experience so many drastically different things and life situations. In some ways, it may seem depressing to see changes that have occurred over the years and paths that have been diverted, but I actually feel grateful to be along for the ride. Life is a testing ground, a hands on experience at learning. I don't know if anyone ends up where they expected to when they set out. And, as I mentioned before, even though phases or situations might feel permanent, they never really are. Life is constantly changing in good ways and in sometimes difficult ways.

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” - Orson F. Whitney, quoted by Spencer W. Kimball, in Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 98

That quote focuses on hard times, but even the good experiences we have change us and make us who we will become. Life is not stagnant, it is ever changing. We are ALL moving through life - changing, growing, learning, and becoming. Nothing is permanent.