Not Shy

The strangest thing happened to me today.

I realize that to most people, it may not seem like that big of a deal, but to me, it was REALLY weird.   

I was at church here in London and we were talking about spiritual gifts.  The teacher read the following quote by George Q. Cannon, “If any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift that will make us perfect. … No man ought to say, ‘Oh, I cannot help this; it is my nature.’ He is not justified in it, for the reason that God has promised to give strength to correct these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate them."  She then had everyone think about and write down spiritual gifts that we have or that we see in others and would like to have.

Since my arms were full of my baby and I couldn't write, the teacher called on me to share my thoughts.  The main thing I was thinking about was the quote that she had read.  I tried to communicate how I often find excuses for myself because of my shyness.  I look around and see others who are blessed with the spiritual gift to be friendly and outgoing and I "let" them be the one to reach out to others.  I rationalize that it is easier for those people and I hide within my shy self.  I talked about how the quote made me realize that I need to do more and that I need to pray and ask for those gifts, rather than just doing nothing. Of course, when I shared this thought, it was even more poorly communicated that it is here.  She was "nice" and said that she didn't think of me as really shy, and then kind of expounded on the quote and moved on. 

At one point near the end of the lesson, the teacher was referencing my comment again in some way and one of the other women in the room asked for clarification on what "shy" really meant.  To her, shy had to do with confidence.  Then a bunch of the women in the room (now, there couldn't have been more than 30) had a random discussion about me and shyness.  They were talking about how I didn't seem shy at all because I seem really confident.  Then they were trying to decide how to describe me and they said something like, "You may be 'quiet,' but not shy." 

What!?  Not Shy?!

It was REALLY weird. 

Then they talked about how I am probably only quiet because I am new to a foreign country and if I am here for a few years, I'll be 'just like them.'

It was truly a strange moment for me. 

Like I said, it probably doesn't seem like much of anything to most people, but to me it was HUGE. 

My entire, and I mean ENTIRE life I have been labeled as shy.  Not only by myself, but by others.  And I HAVE been shy.  My mom said that I was one of the shyest children she has EVER seen.  PAINFULLY shy.  I have always been very reserved and self-conscious and have always hated talking to new people.  Even just running something up to the door of a neighbor or TALKING to a worker in a store is REALLY hard and I'd prefer to not have to talk to anyone. 

So to have a room full of women that I barely know, ESPECIALLY in a FOREIGN country where everything is new to me and I feel awkward and on edge at ALL times - even MORE than normal, is REALLY strange to me.

It was almost like losing a part of myself.  I've hid behind my label of "shy" for so long that in my mind it even partially DEFINES me.  In my mind, it accompanies and leads to my perceived awkwardness in pretty much all situations.

But as I thought about their assertion that I am too confident to be shy, I tried to decide if that is true.  I'll admit that I make a lot of comments during our meetings, when I think of something that I find relevant and helpful.  I also feel quite at ease when I teach a lesson or when I am giving a talk (if I have done A LOT of preparation and feel comfortable). 

This has not always been the case.

I tried to think about how I had gotten to be this way because it is SOOOOO not "me."

As I thought back over my life (at my ripe, old age of 28), I realized that many experiences I have had along the way have actually shaped me into the person I am today and that the layers of my shyness have been slowly peeling away like an onion.  Not all of the layers are gone, but I can see that in many ways, I am a DRASTICALLY different person that I once was.

As I look back over my education and the out-of-my-comfort-zone experiences I had with meeting new people, working on large projects in assigned groups, and making regular presentations have slowly expanded my comfort zone.  As I look back over my career, applying for jobs, the jobs I've had, the roles I've filled, and the responsibilities that were placed upon me forced me to do hard things, giving me new confidence as I gained new experiences.  As I look back over my service in the church - callings I have held, talks I have given, lessons I have taught, and people I have visited, I can see how each of those things have worked together to build confidence, increase my knowledge, and shape me into a new person.  As I look back over these past four months in a foreign country with all of the differences, the new experiences, and a trying to find a new set of friends, I realize that THOSE stretchy experiences have also continued to shape me. 

At the time, it would have been easier to do nothing.  It's easier to stay within my bubble and not go outside of my comfort zone.  Some of the things I've done on my own, and some things life threw at me. 

As I think about all of this, I can't help but think about the famous poem, titled The Weaver:


My Life is but a weaving


between my Lord and me;

I cannot choose the colors

He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow

And I, in foolish pride,

Forget He sees the upper,

And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly,

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver's skillful hand,

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,

Nothing this truth can dim.

He gives His very best to those

Who leave the choice with Him.



Perhaps for a moment today, I caught a glimpse of the "upper side."  As I look to the future, I can't help but wonder what experiences, trials, and "stretchy" moments it holds.


But I know that all of those things will just continue to shape who I am. Perhaps one day I'll no longer bear any resemblance to who I once thought I was. As I think back to that PAINFULLY shy young girl, it's strange to think that maybe one day, even I, will label myself as "not shy."