The Journey is the Destination

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to curl up in bed, throw the blankets over my head, and cry. There is just SO much to do, SO much to think about, SO much money to worry about and SO many changes coming. On top of it all, I'm pregnant, which for me is akin to constant discomfort and misery (as well as heightened hormones). I'm also tired. I have been staying up too late, waking up too early, and overall trying to do too much because well, there is too much to do! And of course it's almost impossible to get things accomplished when Nathan is awake and he's decided to refuse to nap, which results in a really really cranky Nathan AND a really really cranky mother. In the end, I feel like a terrible mother, I'm less patient, and I just want a break! A break from being a mother, a break from thinking about the move, a break from being pregnant, and a break from life! And then I feel awful and like a loser because I only have ONE kid to take care of which really shouldn't be that hard, right? And I feel bad because I have so many wonderful blessings in my life and really the upcoming changes are good and some things that other people will never get the opportunity to experience. But alas, we all have days like that, right?

As I have been sorting through my files in preparation for our move to Europe, I found a quote written on a post-it note. The quote simply reads, "The journey is the destination." I couldn't help but think about how it applied to me in my current situation and really, to all of us and life in general.

Part of me would LOVE to go into a deep sleep and wake up about five months from now having already packed up and sold my house, having already given birth AND recovered, and already be living in England with my family together and moved into our new apartment. Sometimes I would LOVE to have a fast-forward button. I felt similarly a few years ago. I remember the morning Nathan was born and how much I would have LOVED to fast-forward to him already being here. And I remember my awful recovery afterward and how much I would have LOVED to fast-forward to when I was healed and healthy again. But, alas, there is no fast-forward button for life.

And so I am reminded again of that simple quote that at one point touched me enough that I wrote it down and saved it: "The journey is the destination." So often I feel like I am looking to the future. When I was in college, I was looking toward graduation. When I was engaged, I was looking toward marriage. When I am was pregnant with Nathan, I was looking toward having him in my arms. When I had a newborn, I was looking toward him sleeping through the night. And each of those times, I was so anxious to get to the "end goal." Perhaps sometimes I even became so preoccupied with the end result that I didn't stop to really enjoy and appreciate the moments that got me there. But those moments are what make us who we are. Those moments are the building blocks that shape us and define us.

As I have been sorting through my things, I came across a bookshelf full of my tax related notes and resources. Since we are definitely working on downsizing and de-junking as we move halfway around the world, I realized that I could no longer hang onto these things. I realized that I don't use them now and that is highly unlikely that they will be of any benefit to me in the near or distant future. As I was sorting, I also found my transcripts from college. I looked at my grades and the courses I studied as I earned my degrees. I considered how different my life is now than it was only a year ago when I was still working and "using" my degree. I remembered how much I enjoyed my studies - how well I did in school and how well I did in my career. And I found myself wondering if I was wasting all of that knowledge and skill. Tax laws change rapidly and the longer I am out, the more obsolete my knowledge becomes.

But then I considered that those degrees and the CPA license hanging on my wall are NOT what define me. In some ways, they aren't even what is important. It was the process, the journey, that earned me those honors. It isn't the job title I had when I left my job that made me who I am, it isn't even the specific projects I worked on, but the hours I toiled, the hard work I performed, and the experiences I gained along the way. With anything in life, it is the process we go through getting there that is truly important. It isn't the grown up, independent adult child that makes the mother who she is. It is the years spent loving, serving, helping, guiding, and teaching that molds her into the mother who she is.

And so, as I prepare for my busy summer and all of the challenges and changes coming my way, I'm going to try to appreciate the journey just a little bit more. I know that eventually at least THIS journey will be over, but it will be because of each step that I finally reach my destination...